The Psychic Pug....

Lots has happened since I last posted the daily ramblings of man and hound. We've all passed a lot of water over the bridge (but not over the Twentieth Mile bride, in case we hit the electric train cables) but man and pug are still going strong - admittedly a year older but I can't be bothered to change the blog's title. Obi Pug Kenobi still rules the roost in our house. On a recent trip to London she saw a sign on the Underground reading 'Dogs Must Be Carried' and has decided that this doesn't just apply on the Tube....

So why am I writing again? Well, a few months ago Hertbeat was tucked up in bed with a nice milky drink, its favourite teddy and a dog-eared 'Famous Five' book only to re-emerge the next morning as a bold and confident, slightly more edgy teenager called 106 Jack FM. Jack's Breakfast show crew, which is effectively the same lovely people who did Hertbeat Breakfast, wanted their own take on Paul, the psychic octopus, who was so good at getting Germany's World Cup results spot on.

The Jack team wasted no time in getting Obi Pug Kenobi's (the chocolate biscuit being frantically waved in front of er nose probably helped). Would she be willing to put her puggy nose on the line and guess how Stevenage FC would do in their first ever League game against Macclesfield? With not one, but two, bowls of food on offer, how could she refuse?

So, ladies and gentlemen (if, indeed, you are), I bring you - the Psychic Pug......



P.S. - she wanted a crystal ball and a mystic looking headscarf - I said that if it wasn't good enough for Russell Grant it wasn't good enough for her....

Shurely Shome Mishtake....

Tuesday, 8.30pm

Thought for the Day - The length of the traffic jam a mile from home relates directly to the fullness of your bladder

Pug Status - Jammed in the corner of the settee, snoring her head off

A slight problem with my little car is slowly becoming a little pimple of inconvenience on the bottom of normality. The driver's side door won't open with the door key so I have to open the passenger side door and lean out.

Not too much of a problem but a little embarrassing at petrol stations and also a bit fraught if I park anywhere on slight nearside-offside slope, as I lunge across the gear-stick to use the inside handle then gallop round as fast as I can so that it doesn't slowly swing out into oncoming traffic....

I had an email at work today from one of the bid writers, commenting that one of the documents in the case study database had spelling and grammar errors. He had spelt 'grammar' wrong in his email....

Obi Pug Kenobi is suffering from Seasonal Affect Disorder I think; she has seemed a bit depressed since the clocks went back and she now has to venture out for a walk in the rain and cold. There's nothing that quite tugs on the heart strings as a pair of chocolate brown eyes peering out from a mask of dejection with an expression that says 'please take me away from all this...'

Who's the Goblin in the Nappy?

Wednesday, 9pm

Thought for the Day - Raw onions are never a good idea - especially when you have to kiss your mother goodbye

Pug Status - Severely affronted to find another pug in her chair

A toasty house and a hot pug on my lap - who could ask for more?

Had a very interesting few days at work, culminating in our department running an Autumn Fayre as a promotion for the rest of the firm to enjoy. Each of us had to help run a different stall, such as 'Splat the Rat' or 'Trick or Treat', but ours was a 'Whose Baby' competition with each of us submitting a cute (or, in my case, not so cute) photo....

Now, people who know me know that my memory is legendary. I am famously absent-minded and so it would come to no-one's surprise that I forgot to ask my parents for a photo until the night before the deadline. Luckily, Facebook came to my rescue, in the form of one of my siblings who has posted a photo of me in all my Terry-towelling chubby-cheeked glory! I quickly copied and cropped the pic and emailed it on to my colleague who was coordinating the picture board....

Unfortunately..... the scanning process and subsequent retouching for the purposes of display left my photo with a decidedly green tinge, making me look like the youngest goblin in the enchanted wood....

Still enjoying the driving to and from work - but I face a dilemma. Perhaps someone could help me out here - is it wrong for me to snigger to myself every morning that I drive past signs for The Camp Industrial Estate....??

It's a long time, and not just in politics....

Monday, 8.30pm

Thought for the Day - BBC Radio Oxford traffic alerts only ever come on the radio when you are at least ten miles away from Oxford, and nowhere else

Pug Status - Guarding her dinner from a greedy puppy....

Has it really been a week since my last blog post? A busy weekend what with shopping, cleaning, hallow'eening ad trying to drag a reluctant Princess Pug out for a walk in the kind of weather that even Gene Kelly would balk at hoofing through with an outsized brolly....

We thought that Obi Pug Kenobi may have taken umbrage at our fancy dress garb for next door's Hallow'een party, what with the wife dressed up as the Wicked Witch of the West and me sporting a greasepaint 'tash as Super Mario but she never even bothered to offer up a slight wuff; possibly being hunkered down in the comfiest armchair snuggled up in a warm blanket may have had something to do with her 'can't be bothered' attitude....

She did, though, get worked up into a frenzy this evening. With the fridge. What happened was that her dinner bowl slowly moved nearer and nearer to it as she attacked her liver and special pug biscuits - as it came to rest against the fridge door some biccies fell out and under the naughty chiller, tantalisingly out of reach of her little snout.

Of course, when you first come into the kitchen to be confronted with a small dog barking at a fridge door, it's really difficult to find a rational explanation....

Winter Draws On....

Monday, 9pm

Thought for the Day - Windscreen washer reservoirs always run out halfway through clearing severe bird guano carnage

Pug Status - Hating the early morning rain....

Has it really been a week since my last post? Ah well, that's the Royal Mail for you....

All the leaves are brown (the leaves are brown), and the sky is grey (and the sky is grey). I went for a walk (went for a walk), with a spoilt pug who barks irrationally at any leaves that tumble past in the wind, refusing to bound happily through the piles of red and yellow foliage unlike puppy Bob, who virtually swims through them like a pig in the proverbial. She even lifts a leg daintily in the air whenever she has a little Princess wee to minimise her contact with the nasty damp grass....

Ah well - soon be Christmas - you can tell by the thousands of adverts on TV that have suddenly sprung out of the woodwork. Time to start saving for a turkey the size of Basingstoke and to take collection of the food hamper you have paid £3.79 a week since January, that always contains a catering size can of fruit cocktail, a Dundee cake in a tin that you can only get into with a tin opener and then only after you have severed three fingers trying to carefully prise the top off, and the Ye Olde Oak Ham, a cylindrical-shaped mush of mechanically-removed grit and fingernails, held together by three square feet of jelly that tastes like it's been scooped straight from the Dead Sea....

Izzy Wizzy, Let's Get Busy!

Tuesday, 9pm

Thought for the Day - The day you get diverted in heavy traffic on the way to work will be the only day you don't have a map in the car

Pug Status - Doing her best 'rag doll' impression when picked up

Another busy day at work but I am really enjoying it, especially the interesting project work that I have been given. I met a new colleague for the first time who introduced herself and said that she had heard that I was 'really starting to pull up some trees' - perhaps she saw me parking yesterday....

The one thing I haven't mastered is the office doors. They are access controlled, activated by a card which I keep on one of those retractable fishing-line type contraptions on my belt. I have already been caught, quite embarrassingly, trying to open the door like a quick-draw Wild West gunslinger, but it hasn't put me off yet....

I tend to forget about the doors occasionally, and haven't quite got the hang of opening the door whilst carrying three mugs of tea - however, I have mastered the art of the 'right leg lift and hop', a bit like an apathetic conga - the first time I did it I resolved not to fill the mugs too full next time....

I left Obi Pug Kenobi on the bed this morning when I got up. I haven't got the heart to drag her outside when she wants to remain warm and cosy. Besides, the scrape of her claws on the headboard as she makes a determined effort to stay put keeps waking the wife up....

A lubricant-based Guitar Hero....

Tuesday, 9pm

Thought for the Day - Eating raw onions before a hospital visit = muttering under breath

Pug Status - Ears down and slightly narked by the current moving of living-room furniture

Just as you get into an early morning routine for a new job than the seasons conspire against you. For the first time in living memory I can't wait for the clocks to go back. It's like waking up inside a bar of Bournville at the moment....

The hardest part of the whole thing is trying to find a reluctant pug on the bed in the pitch black in order to take her down for, ahem, a morning 'visit'. Obi Pug Kenobi is not a morning dog and has taken to creeping away from my outstretched arms and burying herself into Mummy when I try to gently excise her from the toasty duvet. I gave up this morning when I realised I had left the bedroom carrying two pillows....

An interesting drive into work today. After the daily heart-ache of losing the Hertbeat FM radio signal just as I motor on to the old M10 I happened to pass one of those lorry tankers that refill the pumps at petrol stations. On the back end of the tanker it read 'Emo Oil', which got me thinking; is this either an angst-ridden lubricant that will lead me to wear skinny jeans and studded belts, or do they only sell it to people who have a 'Jimmy Eats World' album and a penchant for the colour black?

Can you pass me a breadstick?

Thursday, 10pm

Thought for the Day - More elbow-induced injuries occur at buffet lunches than on football pitches

Pug Status - Clingy

I am writing this with a warm pug on my lap, snuffling away into Daddy's tummy. I have a lovely warm feeling in my belly because of my canine hot-water bottle, although give it another five minutes and the weight of her will start to ask questions of my hamstrings....

We had a 'lunch and learn' meeting today, which meant leaving the lunch-box at home and taking advantage of good old corporate hospitality. There was certainly more of a 'home made' feel to this company lunch than I have encountered before - I have never had the option of pork pie, chicken legs and chocolate HobNobs at a work lunch before. I played safe with the traditional sandwiches and crunchy carrot sticks, accompanied by a few cheeky Doritos but instantly regretted my choice when the presentation began and, despite my best efforts at subtle munching, I ended up drowning out the speaker in a cacophony of crunching carrot and crisp sounds.

At least I fared better than the bloke sitting in front of me, who had opted for a chicken leg but unfortunately managed to bite off more than he could chew. So the middle ten minutes of the talk was accompanied not only by slides but by the sound of him slowly and carefully trying to regurgitate a large flap of drumstick skin....

Still on the subject of food, a lovely evening meal lovingly prepared by the wife awaited me when I got home. As I stepped through the door the homemade chicken and leek pie was being ushered into the oven. "Cook for 20-25 minutes until it becomes bubbly and golden" - I half expected to open the oven door to e confronted by Barbara Windsor....

Monkey Mischief....

Tuesday, 9pm

Thought for the Day - Intermittent windscreen wipers are either too slow or too fast

Pug Status - Methodically eating every last scrap of her liver-and-pug-biscuits supper

Slowly easing into the whole Oxford commuting japery, although we are now getting into the whole realm of leaving and returning home in the dark. I have almost accomplished leaving the house without forgetting something, dropping something or tripping over something - although accidentally shutting pug puppy Bob out in the garden before setting off this morning probably deserves its own category....

Obi Pug Kenobi is a funny girl. When I return home from work I have to fight off the Bob welcoming committee but, as I scrape fawn puppy hairs off my trousers Princess Pug watches idly from the settee. A quick acknowledgement then she is back off dreaming about whatever little pugs dream about most - eating, probably....

Eulogising about that BBC1 wildlife programme in the kitchen at work I was reminded about the cheeky little capuchin monkeys. Not only did they look like the bastard offspring of Ray Reardon and Elvis Presley but they had also beaten my own DIY door-painting record by taking an average of eight years to work out how to crack open some tasty nuts with a piece of rock.
Sir David, observing some toddlers trying to copy their elders at the task, said "These youngsters have to learn how to crack their own nuts". Never mind the shrinking rainforest; I think the reason why capuchin numbers are dwindling might be a little closer to home....

"Here, in the verdant undergrowth of the Amazon...."

Monday, 10pm

Thought for the Day - Yogurt tops may be impervious to spoons, but give at the slightest touch of a finger, if in close proximity to an expensive silk tie

Pug Status - Mesmerised by Sir David Attenborough

I love wildlife documentaries. The struggle to survive against all the odds, the fight for supremacy, the lack of water - and once I'm home from the office, what better way to relax than in front of the television....

There's always some amazing nuggets of information that you pick up. Like tonight - I learnt the fact that the crab-eating seals of Antarctica actually only eat krill. Now, I'm fascinated how this case of mistaken identity came about; did a gang of hoodie ASBO seals rough up a gang of schoolboy crabs on their way to the local McKrill's? Or perhaps a stag-night prank gone wrong gave the whole species a bad name...?

But just imagine the frustration if you invited one to stay for the weekend, spent a small fortune on a freezer full of crab, tubs of crab paste and scoured Amazon for a crab-friendly cookbook - and then you get his dietary requirements on an email the night before....

"Head out on the highway...."

Sunday, 8pm

Thought for the Day - Sugar-free banana bread stil contains calories, so there's no justification for eating it all in one day

Pug Status - Having an especially lazy day today....

Today is a cause for celebration for anyone who lives in the Hollybush area of Welwyn Garden City, for it was decreed that on this very day, the eleventh of October in the year 2009, the road known as Hollybush Lane was verily resurfaced in a new layer of tar....

I was walking Princess Pug at the time when I smelt that 'hot road' smell and saw the various diversion and warning signs wrapped round the lamp-posts with enough gaffer tape to stop a horse. A quick exchange of glances and we both knew what to do - to get in the car and experience a proper piece of road in WGC for a change....

No more will driving along that road feel like being a paranoid meerkat going through a bad attack of the DTs whilst trampolining around inside a biscuit tin. It was like being gently pushed along slowly melting marshmallow inside a hot-chocolatey velvet case of dreaminess. To put it another way, it made a change not to hit my head on the ceiling of the car every second until the outside of the car roof resembled an egg-box....

The only downside was driving on it about ten minutes after they had opened the road. With some of the surface gravel yet to bed in it felt like I was being ambushed by a gang of small children armed with pea-shooters....

Back on the leash....

Thursday, 9pm

Thought for the Day - The mobile phone will only ring whilst you're driving if it's in your right-hand trouser pocket

Pug Status - Sitting by the bath, asleep, waiting for her nice clean Mummy to emerge

I've managed to get the drive to and from work off pat now - he's very helpful is Pat, God knows what I would have done without him. The biggest trial is trying to leave for home as near to 5pm as possible, as it seems that even if I leave a minute later I either end up behind frozen food lorries heading back to Warsaw or doddery old Allegros with drivers that stop without warning in order to point at bales of hay in nearby fields....

Obi Pug Kenobi is just about used to the new routine. After I get up I have to prise her away, still half asleep, from her Mummy, carry her downstairs into the garden for her early morning purge and then carry her back upstairs to where I had so cruelly snatched her. It so traumatises poor Princess that she has to go straight back to sleep to recover, for a least a couple of hours....

She's still not quite used to having an evening walk in the dark instead of the sojourns in the afternoon that we used to enjoy. Always very protective of her Daddy she would wuff at any passing dog, cat or other furry creature she passed, but perhaps her eyes have yet to adjust to the night-time - she spent a good few minutes last night growling at what turned out to be a flattened lager can....

Must go - she is bouncing by the front door, wuffing at her harness and lead - it's time for Princess to take me out for my walk....

No, after YOU....

Wednesday, 9pm

Thought for the Day - Everyone will know the same short cut to avoid the traffic as you do. At exactly the same time

Pug Status - Overcooked, because she refuses to move from the radiator

We had a team lunch at work today, at a nearby restaurant that, unbeknown to me, had a hidden danger. The main entrance was a revolving door, which presents its own set of problems. First of all there's the endless round of "After You Claude" as everyone tries to let everyone else through before they do. Then there's the whole issue of when to step into the door; do you dive in immediately after someone, sharing the compartment and appearing to be far too over-friendly with your fellow worker or do you hang back and follow in the next bay, regulating your step according to the speed that the person in front of you is pushing the door....

I went for the more polite second option, and all went well until I completely misjudged where the exit was. There were some concerned looks as I tried to walk through the curved side rather than the gap in the front, and some winces as my skull rang out off the toughened glass like Big Ben at midnight. Even more embarrassingly, I had to go round again as the person behind me gave the door an extra push as I rebounded back and trapped me inside the bleedin' thing again....

I shouldn't have had any problems really - Obi Pug Kenobi has me going round in circles after her without any problems at all. This week it's been refusing to eat her dinner until I have mixed in some beef gravy - she'll be wanting me to eat it for her next....

Why do you have to make things so complicated?

Tuesday, 10.30pm

Thought for the Day - Show me a man who owns a hospital car parking company and I will show you a rich man

Pug Status - Using my jumper as a comfy cushion on the sofa, so it's now a mohair jumper

I tackled two of the most difficult tasks known to man today.

The first was as a result of being nearly knocked over by Obi Pug Kenobi's breath when I returned from work today. It was high time we tried to clean her teeth. So, armed with special canine brush and chicken flavoured toothpaste I made my best effort to prise open her jaws and give her little pegs a quick going over.

Five minutes later and I had toothpaste up my arm and on Obi's head, but none in her mouth, as she casually chewed the end of the brush. It was like trying to break into Fort Knox armed with plastic cutlery. After another abortive attempt, which ended with the paste smeared all over my sleeve, I gave up and put a breath mint in her dinner....

....So perhaps it was not the best time to try and change the duvet cover on the bed straight afterwards. I would rather walk around Stevenage Town Centre in just my pyjamas singing 'The Wonder of You' than try and change the bed. It only takes a few minutes before I turn into a gibbering wreck, blubbing quietly into the bottom sheet as I manage to put the wrong corner into the wrong corner. Again. and then I ask my wife to do it. Which she does in about nine seconds....

Is it time to get up already....?

Monday, 10pm

Thought for the Day - Always double-check your mouth for toothpaste before lifting your clean shirt collar to put on a tie

Pug Status - Rolling puppy Bob in the garden to show him who's boss

Once again this morning I proved that it is impossible for me to leave a slumbering house without dropping something, tripping over something or, worse, treading in something. Woken up at 6.20am by Obi Pug Kenobi snoring loudly just centimetres from my ear, which explained why I was dreaming about being attacked by an asthmatic camel armed with a Kenwood blender....

Stumbled out of bed into the bathroom to have a wash & shave and had the usual annoying problem with the hot tap, which goes from freezing cold to agonisingly hot at the exact moment that I test it with my hand before putting the plug in....

Was running a little late, so didn't really have the fifteen minutes to spare that I had to use up waiting for Princess Pug to sniff every individual blade of grass in the back garden before deciding to empty her bladder on the very first patch she scrutinised. I think this is the canine equivalent of what women do when shopping for a new pair of shoes....

Then out to of the house and into the car, ready for the journey to work. Then back in the house to pick up mobile phone. Back to car, then back to house to pick up packed lunch. And then back again to pick up car keys....

Are you sure these aren't lemons?

Sunday, 8pm

Thought for the Day - The only time you decide to park in the Howard Centre on a Sunday will be when you realise, after going through the barrier, that it is no longer free. And you have no change.

Pug Status - Loving the attention she got from people on her afternoon walk

I'm a big fan of citrus fruit. For me, the smell of Christmas is the fragrance of satsumas, (along with the aroma of pine tree needles and the aftershock of too many sprouts). So I felt a tad festive when I managed to bag a bargain in our local supermarket on Saturday - a big bag of clementines for just one pound!

When I got home I realised just why they were so cheap. I decided to have one as a mid-morning snack but regretted this within mere milli-seconds of putting one into my mouth. Now, I could describe them as quite fiercely sour, but that wouldn't do them justice. After just one bite it felt like my tongue had been rolled in battery acid and my face had caved in through the back of my head....

Rather than throw them out I have decided to put them through a juicer and use them for any domestic job, such as scouring metal or stripping paint from door frames. My wife did put one in our roast chicken before cooking it to see if it would enhance the flavour. It tasted lovely, and got the full Obi mark of approval as Princess Pug polished off her portion in fine style (along with her special pug biscuits). My wife did think it would make the chicken be a little tart. Her fears looked to have been justified when I spotted it outside the phone box, plastered in make up and wearing a boob tube and mini-skirt....

Brachycephalic morphology?

Thursday, 9.30pm

Thought for the Day - Never trust anyone who says they 'know a good shot cut'

Pug Status - Scratching a particularly itchy spot just behind her left ear

Obi Pug Kenobi is a very special little doggy. Not just in our house (that goes without saying) but because there is a company that makes doggy biscuits especially for pugs! According to the package, the shape of the biscuit has been specially designed to complement Princess Pug's short muzzle and to help keep her teeth cleaner. According to me the clever packaging, and the feeling of guilt should you not buy something that's been designed specifically for lickle puggy-wugs, means that they can charge at least a tenner extra knowing there'll be people like me gullible enough to part with it....

But it's worth it to see and hear her troughing away like a fat nephew at a wedding buffet and not, as she has been recently, staring at her bowl in disgust as if a cat had just done its business in it. Which makes me wonder if she knew about these special pug biscuits and wanted them so badly that she'd done everything she could to get her own way - the canine version of "Mum-can-we-have-a-rabbit-mum-can-we-have-a-rabbit"....

I'm still struggling a little with the early mornings now that I am working again. The later sunrises aren't helping much, especially when you don't want to switch a light on and wake everyone else up. But however early it is, there's always something to learn. For example, this morning I found out that it takes about twelve seconds from the time you actually stub your toe on the door frame for the pain to register, and a further minute before you can even think about trying to put a sock on....

New starter are we...?

Wednesday, 10pm

Thought for the Day - Never buy a car without power steering - especially when you're used to driving one with power steering

Pug Status - Happy that Daddy is home, and wanting a cuddle

An interesting first day at work; arrived early, met lots of people and managed to survive the day unscathed - so much like my last court appearance. The first thing I found out about was the firm's 'clear desk' policy, which I wish they had told me about before I'd lugged half a briefcase of amusing ornaments, stress toys, mugs and photos into the office....

I have already made some vital contributions to the decision-making and overall departmental strategy (tea doesn't make itself you know) and have been elected our Fire Warden - not so much on my leadership abilities, more that I am the only person that won't get drowned in the enormous luminous jacket. Anyway, it all went well and they are expecting me back tomorrow, which is a bit of a bonus.

But - how I missed Obi Pug Kenobi. Seeing her sprawled out on the bed at 6.30 this morning snoring for England was a sight to behold. How would she cope without her Daddy to spoil her (by sleeping almost constantly, apparently). She was there to greet me when I returned home, tail whooping and with a bound and a yap of delight. Lifting her up off the floor for a cuddle brought a tear to me eye and a lump to my throat - less to do with emotion and more to do with her belching happily into my face....

Erm, where's my desk?

Tuesday, 10.30pm

Thought for the Day - The drill bit you require will always be the only one missing from the box

Pug Status - Sun worshipping in the garden; on her back, legs in the air, fast asleep

As this diary entry hits the airwaves I will be travelling to the first day of a new job, and I have that real 'start of term' nervousness. Except that I won't be saving wallpaper to cover my exercise books with, I don't require a French-English English-French dictionary and I definitely won't be bullied for my dinner money. Although perhaps writing my name in the collar of all my shirts was taking things a bit too far.

I am not sure how Obi Pug Kenobi will cope with me not being around during the day. She is so used to me turning her cushions regularly and providing post-snack cuddles and mid-afternoon walks. I can't wait to get home from a hard day's work tomorrow night to be greeted by Princess Pug, bounding into my arms and smothering me with kisses. In reality however it's more likely to be a quick look up from wherever she happens to be snoring, a look as if to say "Oh, you're back are you" and then a quick shuffle round to find a nice comfy spot for her pre-dinner nap.

Unconditional love from a pug only tends to kick in when you're lowering a full dinner bowl to the floor....

Do you ever look under the bonnet Sir?

Monday, 10pm

Thought for the Day - Why is there always a teaspoon left when you empty the washing-up bowl?

Pug Status - Following Mummy upstairs and then demanding to be carried back downstairs

Did something very male today that did not require either the wearing of a quilted checked shirt or the eating of a Yorkie bar - I took the car for its MOT test today

What I know about motor mechanics you could write on the back of a postage stamp. In marker pen. If you talk to me about any type of repair that doesn't involve wheels, oil or putting funny blue liquid in the windscreen washer thingy then all I can do is nod and smile inanely - something I also tend to do on holiday whenever I try to speak the lingo, asking some wizened local the way to the beach only to stand in agonized embarrassment for the next ten minutes as I completely fail to understand the directions....

The car passed the MOT, but the mechanic warned me that I had too much play in my rear suspension bushes. He may as well have told me that I had an un-greased rhino twisting the breakfast sprocket under-sideways, it would have meant just as much to me. Perhaps all my nodding and smiling managed to convince him that I understood him completely....

Well, at least I know where I stand with Obi Pug Kenobi. Considerably lower down the food chain, for a start. I gave her some of our dinner scraps with her evening meat and biscuits and it was greeted with a look of disdain. Princess Pugs don't do others' left-overs you know - they were hoiked out with her snout, never to darken her bowl again....