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Wednesday, 7pm
Thought for the Day - Isn't it unfortunate that the word lisp has an 's' in it?Pug Status - Wishing there was more left-over spaghetti bolognesePut up the bunting, let the relatives know by a change of Facebook status, and run to the off-licence for a cheap bottle of Cava - after ten long months of trying someone has finally been brave (foolish?) enough to offer me a job!!! I think polishing up the old CV helped considerably - a nice clean car makes a great first impression at interviews....It is an exciting new position, utilising all of my finely-honed librarian and information skills, with a company based in Oxford. A fair way to drive each day but at least I will have the pleasure of listening to Hertbeat Breakfast every morning in the car (until just past Hemel Hempstead anyway). I was more concerned about my personal welfare in the city itself to be honest - it used to have a terrible crime rate. There was one murder a week in Oxford in the late 1980s and 1990s, and always at about 9pm on a weekend. Luckily, they all seemed to be cleared up in about a couple of hours, by that Inspector Morse fellow....Working again will mean no more afternoon walks for Obi Pug Kenobi - I will have to be out of the house nice and early and she is already crotchety that her routine will be disrupted. Some people consider their dogs to be like their children - I think our Princess Pug will just like Kevin the Teenager when I try to get her out of bed before 7am for a brisk trot around the block....
Tuesday, 8pm
Thought for the Day - The hottest day of the year will always be the first day after the pool is taken down for the summerPug Status - Contentedly chewing a post-dinner gravy boneAnother torturously hot day today, so much so that I nearly left the car on the drive and rode the camel to the shops. Tried to seek solace by tucking a tea towel under a baseball cap but not for long; it was nice and cool but I did look a bit daft with a picture of the Tetley tea men draped across my shoulders....Decided to have a nice bath, but had that irritating problem where the water is too hot but you don't actually realise until you've stood in it for about five seconds. The only two courses of action I've found are: 1) to either grip the edge of the sink and weep quietly before slowly edging towards the cold tap, any sudden movements compounding the agony as the water laps up my legs, or 2) scramble out of the bath as fast as possible and imitate Michael Flatley on the bathroom mat, whilst doing a passable impression of Jimmy Somerville on a Communards track of my choice....Freshly scrubbed, dried and with a pair of legs now redder than an embarrassed flamingo, we set out for Obi Pug Kenobi's afternoon walk. This acquired extra interest today as we experimented with a double chain attached to a single lead for her and puppy Bob. Normally I get so tangled up with two leads that I look like a walking maypole but the double chain still caused its own problems. Neither dog stopped at the same time, and both wanted to go in different directions. Imagine Siamese twins trying to storm off after having an argument with each other. It was like trying to walk the Chuckle Brothers....
Monday, 8pm
Thought for the Day - how does Super Glue stop sticking inside the tube?Pug Status - Finding out just how far the new extendable lead reachesI'm not a brilliant cook, especially if the tin opener has gone missing, but I felt like exercising my culinary skills today - although, figuratively speaking, this was more like a trot around the block than a ten-mile yomp. I raided the brambles at the back of the garden for blackberries again, although it was not without embarrassment - I reached the top of the step-ladder to grab the highest fruits only to meet the steely glare of a teacher supervising a football lesson in the adjoining field....I wouldn't say I'm an expert but I get by in the kitchen. My personal style is heavily influenced by Gordon Ramsey although that is nothing to go with cooking and more to do with my immediate reaction after hitting my thumb with a hammer. I wanted to make a nice dessert but despite consulting Delia, and with the better half out at work, I still needed some guidance. My neighbour was in the Army Catering Corp, but his best idea of making a blackberry crumble involved several hours of interrogation. Still, I got there in the end and I even pushed the boat out by making REAL custard - you know, the powder you make with milk, rather than hat instant hot water muck.....Obi Pug Kenobi is always around to lend a paw in the kitchen when there's food about, especially if there's something in it for her. As a special treat today I decided to poach her some chicken - my wife distracted the game-keeper as I nipped back through he hedge. She also helped with the dishwasher, climbing in when the door is lowered to lick the dinner residue from the plates. Tonight, however, she failed to notice the upturned jug on the top basket and emerged with two streaks of gravy on the top of her head like a savoury badger.....
Sunday, 8pm
Thought for the Day - Nothing sticks to the teeth harder than the last Fruit Pastille in the packPug Status - Looking for a secret hiding place for her juicy boneAnother fairly action-packed weekend. Spent most of Saturday morning doing odd jobs, but that was probably due to the curry I had on Friday night. Most of the afternoon was taken up with shopping, watching TV and bringing my shoes back in from the garden because Bob the puppy can't get enough of them, which must mean that the last of a pup's senses to fully develop must be smell....We had my wife's parents for Sunday dinner - I actually wanted beef but I got out-voted. Washing the dishes has enabled me to spend an entertaining half-hour watching Obi Pug Kenobi in the garden with the bone from our Sunday roast. Perhaps David Attenborough can explain why our pug tries to hide bones in the garden by placing them in full view and then pretending to drag earth other them with her muzzle. It's like trying to hide a rhino in the bathroom by sticking the shower attachment on its nose. People tell me that dogs are intelligent animals but I concur. Any animal that is constantly surprised by its own flatulence can't be that bright....Treated myself to a spot of post-dinner naughtiness, in the shape of one of those ice-cream lolly things. Obi loves it on the rare occasions when I have one of these, watching with all the alertness of a slip fielder as the chocolate shards fly off in all directions. Made the mistake of biting straight through the chocolate coating into the freezing interior, which has induced an agonizing pain that I believe to be akin to childbirth. It's worse than being forced to watch a Jim Carrey film....
Thursday, 9pm
Thought for the Day - How does the petrol pump goes a penny over ten pounds when I've put the nozzle back?Pug Status - Hogging the sofaI don't think Obi Pug Kenobi was too enamoured about being snapped next to an ugly mug for the new Hertbeat photo gallery this morning (but perhaps I'm being a bit hard on myself there). Our Princess is not a morning pug, bless her, although she does perk up when Mummy shares her toast with her. Not too much Marmite in the corners though, otherwise she pulls a face like a bulldog licking bleach off a nettle....A drive to Oxford for a job interview today; not too arduous although travelling out of the area meant an afternoon without Hertbeat on the radio. After a short while enduring stations of inferior quality I was soon searching for a CD, any CD....I managed to find a double album called "School Disco" in the glove compartment - an album which, had it been recorded at my school, would have consisted of an hour of Spotty McDonald pleading with Lisa Saddleforth to go out with her followed by a parting salvo of some quiet vomiting into a hedge. Thankfully it actually contained a medley of top 70s, 80s and 90s tunes, ensuring that the roadside wildlife of Oxfordshire was regaled by yours truly singing "Never Gonna Give You Up" and "I Am The One and Only" at the top of my voice....I put the second CD on for the journey home where, despite a mildly embarrassing moment where I realised I remembered a sizeable chunk of the lyrics to "Mickey" by Toni Basil, I was thoroughly enjoying myself. Until I stopped at some traffic lights in the middle of Aylesbury, right opposite a bus stop full of school kids. Having cranked down the windows and cranked up the volume for "Don't Stop Me Now" by Queen I was forced to take evasive action as the theme tune from "Jim'll Fix It" blared out at full volume. A quick switch to the next track didn't really help my cause, as I continued my journey informing the Aylesbury public just how much girls want to have fun....
Wednesday, 7.30pm
Thought for the Day - There's never anything good on TV, except on the night when your two favourite programmes clashPug Status - A little cross-patch all day, telling off those naughty Council workers outside the front windowA new electrical gadget has made its way into the kitchen, and bets are already on as to how infrequently it will be used and how soon it will be gathering dust at the back of the kitchen cupboard. My wife was lucky enough to be given a counter-top rotisserie oven in pristine condition, just big enough to fit a plump whole chicken (or perhaps an emaciated wart-hog)....Just like the smoothie maker and sandwich toaster before it, there was an initial burst of excitement as we all crowded round to see how it worked - peering through the glass front like a gang of poor urchins outside a toy-shop, we stared in wonder as our garlic-infused chicken slowly revolved on the turntable. It took exactly 17 seconds for boredom to set in. At that point our youngest came in to ask what we were having for dinner. "Rotisserie chicken" I said, "but - only if there is enough to go round!!!" (Humour is wasted on the young....)So, after a sumptuous meal of disorientated bird, it was time to sit down and relax with a fresh newspaper, a spot of TV and a lap full of pug. Lots of coverage in this week's Welwyn Times about the 70th anniversary of the outbreak of World War Two. My Grandad always kept his regulation gas-mask and it certainly has come in useful over the years. They should be standard issue for pug owners. Never ever feed them ox liver. If you thought 'Purple Haze' was just a Jimi Hendrix record then you can think again....Must go now - have to put the rubbish out. And, yes, it IS the right day today....
Tuesday, 10.30pm
Thought for the Day - Items placed towards the top of a chest freezer will always disappear to the bottom the moment you need themPug Status - Finally not moulting - hurrah!The aftermath of a Bank Holiday does strange things to the human psyche, none more so than "The Dance of the Bins". Grown men up and down the country literally got to pieces trying to remember what night they need to put the rubbish out - with the aftermath of Easter weekend turning the entire country into some sort of recycling box hokey-cokey....You can spot people in cul-de-sacs peering out behind living-room net curtains, trying to see if that is a black sack by No.4's Mondeo. It only takes one person to crack, and within ten minutes the verges are awash with black sacks. Which are all still there the next morning because Roger next-door thought it was Wednesday....It always seems strange that the only times I get this wrong are either when we have twice as many bags as normal, or I have a normal amount but they are twice as heavy. And I always look up and down the street after dropping the last bag and think "Hah! I'm the ONLY one who remembered!"....I read a news feature today condoning the number of CCTV cameras nationwide. To be honest, it's doesn't personally concern me. Anyone who owns pugs will come under muh greater personal scrutiny and intimidation at any time - especially when you happen to be holding a sandwich.....
