Keep Your Nuts Under Lock and Key....

Thursday, 10pm

Thought for the Day - The most appetising picture on a cafe menu will never ever look the same on the plate

Pug Status - Snuggly and wuffly and warm and toasty

So that huge block of cheese has finally landed, in a Buckinghamshire garden - a shame it wasn't in Cheddar Gorge - and been handed into the local police where no doubt it will receive a severe grilling in the interview room. I understand that the home owner was actually doing some landscaping at the time it hit the ground, scaring him so much that he accidentally made himself a personal water feature....

What with swine flu and killer chipmunks both on the loose it's only a matter of time before the two combine and mutate and I end up being mugged for my dry-roasted by a deranged buck-toothed rodent with the sniffles. I did ring the Chipmunk hotline today but they were unable to help me work out which one is Chip and which one is Dale....

We have a litter of boxer puppies due next week and Obi Pug Kenobi, as honorary Auntie, is doing her best to help by testing out the new blankets (by sleeping on them), checking the refurbished dog room for draughts (by sleeping in it), and ensuring the freshly-installed CCTV works properly (by sleeping in front of it). All have been given the official snore of approval - you know, the one that sounds like an asthmatic donkey breathing through a surgical stocking....

Wetter Than A Turbot's Anorak

Wednesday, 10pm

Thought for the day - Why is Wednesday night everyone's spag bol night?

Pug Status - Slightly crotchety but doing her best to sleep it off

Another glorious summer I don't think. Rain, rain and more rain. The only thing long and hot this July has been my heating bill. I have started stockpiling wood just in case I get a call from the man upstairs to build a big boat to save all the animals. If I see a weatherman I might just kick him in the isobars and give him a bit of high pressure to think about....

Loads of outdoor projects to be getting on with but the only one able to do regular jobs in the garden is Obi Pug Kenobi and even then she makes sure she waits until the point of no return. The grass is longer than an MP's expenses form and so dense that I half expect David Attenborough to come machete-ing through the middle of it in hot pursuit of a rare tree hamster or poisonous goat or something....

Dog owners will tell you that nothing on earth smells the same as a wet hound - when it rains cats and dogs outside Princess Pug comes in from her walkies smelling like the last sock behind the radiator.....

Still applying for jobs. Am considering a change of career and becoming a postman. It's better than walking the streets I suppose....

Has that 600lb block of Cheddar, rumoured to be heading towards Hertbeat country, hit the ground yet? I hope it misses my house tonight - cheese always lays heavy on me just before bed....

HOW Much For A Hot Dog????

Tuesday, 8pm

Thought For The Day - The first thing your other half asks you to buy from the shops will always be the one thing you forget

Pug Status - Loving those new doggy chews that my Mummy bought

Yet more DIY today - this time in the hallway before making my way upstairs. Wanted to stop a door from sticking and, by chance, I found a small plane at the top of the stairs this morning - I'd accidentally left the landing light on last night.

Stopping for a quick break I nipped out to the shops for a periscope, which I needed to look up an old friend. Back home I put my feet up with a cheese sandwich, but swapped this for a footrest after getting pickle all over my socks. I was surprised to hear on the lunchtime news that TV personality Esther Rantzen is going to run for Parliament from Luton South. Surely it would be easier for her to get a lift rather than jog all that way. Ah well, that's life I suppose.

There's a new film out at the moment about a zombie called Colin that has made a few headlines in the last couple of days. I believe this is because it only cost £45 but that is a shocking price for a cinema ticket. Apparently, scientific research has finally discovered the heaviest known object on Earth in proportion to its size. It's any small bag of pick and mix placed on weighing scales at a cinema kiosk....

Obi Pug Kenobi is still moulting. One scratch and five seconds later we have a pug-shaped pile of hair where a pug once stood. I looked under 'moulting' in my pug owners' handbook and it told me that the breed typically shed their coats only twice a year. Once for the first six months of the year, and once for the second six months....

The Lights Are On, But There's No-one Home....

Monday, 9pm

Thought for the Day - Overfilled cardboard boxes will only give way when you are less than an inch from a car boot

Pug Status - Protecting her rights to her favourite chair

More home-improvement japery today as I had to put up a light fitting in our bedroom - he'd missed the last train last night and had no money for a taxi. It was one of those fancy jobs that came with a set of ceiling fans - I never knew there were people that loved ceilings that much....

I did my best impression of Obi Pug Kenobi by sleeping through most of last weeks' Breakfast shows - they didn't bore me, I just didn't get up in time - so after a busy morning I caught up today with the podcast. How I chuckled at Steve's underwear vacuuming japes! Only the other morning in the Castle household the doorbell went early (he was on a half-day), and I had to open the door in my dressing-gown which, I am sure you will agree, is a funny place to have a door. By the time I got there, there was just a parcel on the doorstep. It was an eBay purchase, a collectors' item of 7" singles of songs from 'The Sound of Music', but I failed to see it in time before treading right through the package. I managed to salvage 'Climb Every Mountain' but how I cried as I squashed 'My Favourite Things'....

There was an fascinating programme last night about seasonal food called What To Eat Now, where the presenter did some interesting things with peas (a bit like a cheating athlete faking a drug test). When I was little there used to be a brand called Surprise Peas, which had to be soaked overnight, but I never liked them. You know what you get with Surprise Peas? Wet legs....

Obi Pug Kenobi will soon be immortalised in ink - on my wife's shoulder. Well, it makes a change from me giving her the needle. Although it will be a caricature rather than a portrait our Princess is hopeful that the tattooist will capture her true essence. If it's anything like the essence of pug that she is distributing round the room this evening then I think he'll need a gas mask as well as gloves....

There's a Nasty Smell in Here....

Thursday, 10pm

Thought for the day - You can never have too much Heinz Original BBQ Sauce on chips

Pug Status - High pitched snoring sounding like a distressed light aircraft

Another morning of DIY - armed with paintbrush and supervised by curious pug I gave the door another coat - a nice comfy parka (well, it is a bit nippy in there....) Trying to paint the ceiling I found it a mite too high, so I had to take steps to remedy this. However, as Steps have now split up, I had to make do with a piggy-back off the taller one from Stavros Flatley....

Went to Woolmer Green in the afternoon for a nice pub lunch, although I would only recommend eating a whole pub for the truly famished, or slightly insane Actually, I had the Ploughmans Lunch - he was furious! Lounging back with a toothpick and the daily paper I was slightly concerned to read about the latest swine flu reports. I thought I would ring the new special hotline for some piece of mind, but the line was terrible - I just got a load of crackling....

I hope my comments regarding buttered cats yesterday did not encourage thousands of youngsters up and down Hertbeat country, already jumping from the good ship Summer Holiday into the lifeboats of Boredom, to try out their own experiments. Kids - and adults - do not attempt this at home. You will be picking cat fur out of your butter dish for weeks....

Obi enjoyed a nice meal of freshly poached pigs liver for her dinner, which disappeared almost as quickly as an hour when you're in a short stay car park. She may have enjoyed her din-dins but, believe me, we're not enjoying the side effects. If you thought that 'Purple Haze' was just a Jimi Hendrix song you can think again....

A happy hound and a painted room!

Wednesday, 7.30pm

Thought for the Day - The wetness of the paintwork correlates directly to the proximity of the elbow

Pug Status - Wuffing at unexpected visitors

A busy weekend of DIY - the sooner I find myself another job the better! Renovating the utility room I decided to make a hole in the wall - I've always wanted my own personal cashpoint - which quickly became a doorway. I customised this by adding a little bumper sticker - 'My Other Doorway Is A Porch'....

I then set about painting walls and woodwork (I'll gloss over this part, it's not worth covering) and, as I tend to do, I began to ponder life's little mysteries. Such as, if toast always falls butter side down and cats always land on their feet, if you buttered a cat's back would it never touch the floor? Why is the word 'dyslexia' so difficult to spell? And, if smoking is so bad or you why does it cure ham?

I also tried to come up with some quick money-making schemes to help tide us over whilst I search for work. Being short of cash, I thought setting up a dating agency for chickens could be an ideal way to make hens meet but was worried that it would lead to poultry profits. Obi Pug Kenobi, being very photogenic as you know, suggested she go into modelling, but her paws just wouldn't be able to work the clay....

Our Princess Pug has now fully recovered from her insect-related trauma but has not yet forgiven or forgotten, barking at any Sting songs on the stereo. She is still waiting for the get well soon card and flowers from her 'Uncle Radio Steve' however, and has spent the last couple of mornings interrogating the postman...

Poorly Pug in Vet Drama!

Sunday, 10.30pm

Thought for the Day - The greater the need to get an item out of a shed, the more inaccessible it will be

Pug Status - On the road to recovery, thank goodness!

High drama in our household just after I completed my diary entry for Friday's show - Obi Pug Kenobi had looked a bit out of sorts all evening, which I had put down to her disapproval at my colourful language whilst clearing out the shed. She got more and more distressed and uncomfortable and, when I picked her up, we could see why....

Poor pug had a nasty red swelling, and it looked angrier than a narked rhino plagued by a gang of cheeky hyenas that keep knocking on his door and running away. After a sleepless night, with administration of doggy painkillers and prolonged bathing (until next door demanded I get out of their swimming pool) we rushed Obi to the vets first thing in the morning.

After careful consultation, the diagnosis was reached. Princess Pug had been stung in a horrible place - how did she get to Milton Keynes, I wondered - and she needed some injections. She faced the needle like a trooper without a flinch, bless her. The vet also gave her some cream that soothed the irritation (but tasted bloody horrible on my strawberries

Obi is now recovering nicely but would appreciate lots of lovely gifts from Hertbeat listeners and from her 'Uncle Radio Steve', preferably bone-shaped or meat-flavoured. No more Lucozade though; it goes through her like a hot ball-bearing through melted butter.

Must go - her cushions need turning....

Animal Hospital!!!!

Friday, 10pm

Thought For The Day - If only pets could talk, they could tell you what's wrong with them

Pug Status - In recovery

Drama yesterday evening and this morning with Obi Pug Kenobi, resulting in an emergency appointment with the vets first thing.

Just to say that all is well now and she is getting better. It was a lot less serious than we were dreading, and hopefully she will be back to normal in the next couple of days. I'll tell you all about it in my next post.

Fingers crossed the weekend will be drama-free....

Shed Loads of Fun....

Thursday, 9.30pm

Thought for the day - Each garden shed you empty contains at least one bag you've never ever seen before

Pug Status - Unintentionally increasing her bad-word vocabulary

It was a lovely day today on the whole, so Obi and I made the most of it, spending a sunny afternoon in the garden. The pug sunbathed whilst I cleared out the shed, collecting a small pile of odds and ends to advertise online via Freecycle, where people post unwanted items that others who want them collect free of charge. Very useful. Of course, it would be more useful to have a house with more space, perhaps with a cellar. But I am not sure I could have a cellar. I couldn't sink to those depths. I am afraid it's beneath me.

Lots of strange things happen when you clear out a shed. You find fifteen paint tins that were nearly full of paint, but are now empty. You come across the small, but incredibly useful, missing part of an expensive piece of equipment that you threw out only the week before. And, if you are a six-foot tall galumph like me, you bang your head so many times on the roof and door-frame you end up doing a credible impression of a pinball table....

Regarding the last point it's amazing just how varied and imaginative your profanities become, all too florid for the sensitive ears of poor Obi, who took offence. After I made her give the fence back, she went indoors muttering under her breath.

I think she got her revenge though - I had left my laptop open on the Freecycle page and, on returning from the garden, found a new offer had been posted, which read; "Offer - Foul-mouthed master. Will swap for mild-mannered easily-influenced doormat, who remembers to buy the right flavour Princess Mints for bedtime treats"....

Schools Out - For The Afternoon, At Least.....

Wednesday, 10pm

Thought for the Day - You never cease to be amazed how much children love flags

Pug Status - Not letting her Mummy out of her sight

Out and about with the Streetbeat team today at Broom Barns Summer Fete in Stevenage - it was very enjoyable, and definitely not a fete worse than death. Lots of happy faces, throwing themselves on the bouncy castles, playing in the fire engine and begging their parents for pocket money - and that was just the teachers. The kids fought over the Hertbeat flags we took along - some youngsters even asked me how much they were! I didn't have the heart to spoil their disappointment and tell them they were free. And at least the milkman will get paid this week now....

The Hertbeat Hound turned up half-way through, although I could only go on the word of other people - he seemed to be around when I wasn't for some strange reason. Probably just as well, otherwise Obi Pug Kenobi might have got jealous at seeing a strange hound's hair on my trousers - she would never have forgiven me. Well, until at least dinner time. She was so pleased to see me when I came home - we had a little play in the garden. Hamlet I think it was....

As it is, she has snuggled up to her Mum on the sofa all evening, having her pre-bedtime snooze. I know of some people that think a pug's snore is like a symphonic fanfare of contentment. You may have different views when it wakes you up at three in the morning right in your ear'ole.....

DIY? SOS!

Tuesday, 10pm

Thought for the Day -a biro and a hacksaw do not a straight line make

Pug Status - Impersonating Dusty Springfield - she just don't know what to do with herself

I'm no DIY expert - in fact, faced with having to shave a few millimetres off a piece of wood I turn into Mr. T. from The 'A' Team - "I ain't working with no plane, fool!" So it was to my own surprise that I managed to remove a little wood from the bottom of the living room door without it ending up like one of those doors normally found swinging those in bars in Western films....

Obi Pug Kenobi is unable to settle this evening, probably because she is still moulting like fury - a quick scratch and, five seconds later, we have a new fur rug on the floor. It's the dog-owners equivalent of the pine-needle carnage when you get finally get rid of the half-dead Christmas tree. I can only assume that, when they filmed the scenes with the pug in the film 'Men in Black', Tommy Lee Jones and WIll Smith kept their distance otherwise it would have been renamed 'Men In Beige'....

For those of you wondering whether yesterday's daily pug itinerary was embellished I can assure you that it is 100% fact - even down to the Princess Mints before bed. In fact, Daddy is in trouble with Princess Pug because he bought peppermint ones by mistake, which Princess doesn't really like - the plus side is that they do improve her breath somewhat, which can resemble Stilton kept in a football sock. For about fifteen years.

A Life in the Day....

Monday, 10.30pm

Thought for the Day - Lamb with black pudding = food heaven
Pug Status - Power-napping

My seventh wedding anniversary today - funny, I don't recall breaking a mirror....?!

To celebrate another year of wedded bliss I decided to cook a three-course meal for the significant other. Slightly influenced by watching the Celebrity Masterchef final on iPlayer last night, I nearly trod in more than I could chew. However, the wife did the decent thing by clearing her plate and, no, it wasn't straight in the bin. A little help from Gary Rhodes and a slight twist on an old dessert and it all went to plan. Spent the rest of the evening imitating a space-hopper on the sofa.

And, as I slaved in the kitchen all afternoon, did I receive any guidance from Obi Pug Kenobi? Fine words butter no parsnips, they say, and neither do bone-idle spoilt pugs.

Let me run you through a typical pug itinerary:

08:30 - Wake up, normally from a prone position across my Mum's pillow on Mum and Dad's bed. Wait to be carried downstairs.
08:35 - Outside to water the garden. Quick pit-stop at the bowls for water and dog biscuits.
08:37 - Pester my Dad (that's me) to give up his chair at the breakfast table, moving to the next one, so I can lie on the chair next to Mum and have some of her toast.
08:40 - 12:30 - Asleep.
12:31- Wake up, turn round.
12:32 - Move to comfy armchair or sofa.
13:00 - Wake up, leg stretch and then decide to accompany Mum on her daily walk out and about the local streets. She always asks me to go with her - perhaps she is too scared to on on her own...?
13:40 - Fold myself up in the grateful comfort of the armchair for a hard earned sleep and a paw rest.
17:51 - Outside for exercise.
17:53 - Inside for water and biscuits.
18:30 - Frenzied activity - food bowls being prepared - will it be liver or chicken breast.....?
18:40 - Bowl licked clean. Garden ablutions.
18:50 - 23:00 - Sleep, complimented by occasional barking back at barking dogs or seagulls on TV.
23:05 - Up to bed and then to sleep, not before having my bedtime doggy chocs and Princess Mints.

It's a dog's life....

A Slice of Life....

Saturday, 3pm

Thought for the Day - loving Tiger Bread
Pug Status - moulting

A sunny Saturday afternoon, listening to Hertbeat Apprentice Carl spin the decks with all the authority of Alan Freeman but without the Fluff. What could possibly spoil this oasis of calm? An Asda Tiger Bread loaf, that's what....

Now, don't get me wrong, I love the stuff - the crackly, crunchy sesame-infused crust, the doughy interior, the way that it goes hand-in-glove with a nice bit of Cheddar - the problem comes when you actually try to cut into the thing. It's like trying to break into a bank vault with a piece of shortbread. The crust is impenetrable except with a samurai sword and, as you gratefully saw through after a week of effort, fail to release your grip on the loaf at the exact time leaves you with a squashed slice about a millimetre high. You then have to hire a skip to remove the crumbs.

So today, I thought I would get the bakery to slice it for me, at no extra charge. It came out looking like John Merrick.

Obi Pug Kenobi is currently to be found in her natural state - i.e. asleep. I do not think you could find a more loving, better-temperamented, affectionate and lazy breed than a fawn pug. Slumber is only occasionally broken by bursts of activity, either eating, sneaking dog biscuits or defending dog biscuits from her canine siblings. Currently moulting like fury, the living room resembles one of those western films (or the aftermath of one of my jokes) with great big lumps of tumbleweed....

Out with the broom - again....