New starter are we...?

Wednesday, 10pm

Thought for the Day - Never buy a car without power steering - especially when you're used to driving one with power steering

Pug Status - Happy that Daddy is home, and wanting a cuddle

An interesting first day at work; arrived early, met lots of people and managed to survive the day unscathed - so much like my last court appearance. The first thing I found out about was the firm's 'clear desk' policy, which I wish they had told me about before I'd lugged half a briefcase of amusing ornaments, stress toys, mugs and photos into the office....

I have already made some vital contributions to the decision-making and overall departmental strategy (tea doesn't make itself you know) and have been elected our Fire Warden - not so much on my leadership abilities, more that I am the only person that won't get drowned in the enormous luminous jacket. Anyway, it all went well and they are expecting me back tomorrow, which is a bit of a bonus.

But - how I missed Obi Pug Kenobi. Seeing her sprawled out on the bed at 6.30 this morning snoring for England was a sight to behold. How would she cope without her Daddy to spoil her (by sleeping almost constantly, apparently). She was there to greet me when I returned home, tail whooping and with a bound and a yap of delight. Lifting her up off the floor for a cuddle brought a tear to me eye and a lump to my throat - less to do with emotion and more to do with her belching happily into my face....

Erm, where's my desk?

Tuesday, 10.30pm

Thought for the Day - The drill bit you require will always be the only one missing from the box

Pug Status - Sun worshipping in the garden; on her back, legs in the air, fast asleep

As this diary entry hits the airwaves I will be travelling to the first day of a new job, and I have that real 'start of term' nervousness. Except that I won't be saving wallpaper to cover my exercise books with, I don't require a French-English English-French dictionary and I definitely won't be bullied for my dinner money. Although perhaps writing my name in the collar of all my shirts was taking things a bit too far.

I am not sure how Obi Pug Kenobi will cope with me not being around during the day. She is so used to me turning her cushions regularly and providing post-snack cuddles and mid-afternoon walks. I can't wait to get home from a hard day's work tomorrow night to be greeted by Princess Pug, bounding into my arms and smothering me with kisses. In reality however it's more likely to be a quick look up from wherever she happens to be snoring, a look as if to say "Oh, you're back are you" and then a quick shuffle round to find a nice comfy spot for her pre-dinner nap.

Unconditional love from a pug only tends to kick in when you're lowering a full dinner bowl to the floor....

Do you ever look under the bonnet Sir?

Monday, 10pm

Thought for the Day - Why is there always a teaspoon left when you empty the washing-up bowl?

Pug Status - Following Mummy upstairs and then demanding to be carried back downstairs

Did something very male today that did not require either the wearing of a quilted checked shirt or the eating of a Yorkie bar - I took the car for its MOT test today

What I know about motor mechanics you could write on the back of a postage stamp. In marker pen. If you talk to me about any type of repair that doesn't involve wheels, oil or putting funny blue liquid in the windscreen washer thingy then all I can do is nod and smile inanely - something I also tend to do on holiday whenever I try to speak the lingo, asking some wizened local the way to the beach only to stand in agonized embarrassment for the next ten minutes as I completely fail to understand the directions....

The car passed the MOT, but the mechanic warned me that I had too much play in my rear suspension bushes. He may as well have told me that I had an un-greased rhino twisting the breakfast sprocket under-sideways, it would have meant just as much to me. Perhaps all my nodding and smiling managed to convince him that I understood him completely....

Well, at least I know where I stand with Obi Pug Kenobi. Considerably lower down the food chain, for a start. I gave her some of our dinner scraps with her evening meat and biscuits and it was greeted with a look of disdain. Princess Pugs don't do others' left-overs you know - they were hoiked out with her snout, never to darken her bowl again....

Just a bit round the ears....

Sunday, 10.30pm

Thought for the Day - The wife's garlic roast potatoes = Perfect Sunday

Pug Status - Wrinkling her nose at Daddy's garlic breath - no kisses please!

I need to warn you all about a potentially lethal foodstuff that I have seen on sale in my local supermarket. They go by the name of Chocolate Cream HobNobs and they are highly dangerous. People of Hertbeat country and beyond - if you have an unopened packet of these in your cupboard I urge you not to eat them. Seriously. They should be posted to me and Obi Pug Kenobi, where we will, ahem, safely dispose of the little critters and move them to a secure area (mainly around my stomach I think....)

After finally managing to tear myself away from the biccie barrel I got on with the long overdue task of cutting my hair. It has to be kept short as it has the consistency of copper wire and after a few weeks unchecked my head starts to resemble a tennis ball at the end of a five-set WImbledon final. I even managed to use the clippers without consequential loss of fingers, skin or temper!!

The only thing is - perhaps I shouldn't have done it at the end of such a gloriously sunny weekend after spending most of it outside. Having cut my hair very short I now have what can only be described as a two-tone head. Pale at the top and back and tanned everywhere else it now looks like someone has sucked half the chocolate off a Malteser....

Poor Obi Pug Kenobi has been left a little flustered by the increase in temperature, only tolerating a short walk and wishing that she could exchange her double-thickness fawn fur coat for a string vest and pair of Bermuda shorts. This morning though, brought blessed relief when she came downstairs; we were greeted to a little puff of wind and a slightly foggy haze in the back garden - dirty dog!

I'm not a number, I'm a free gift!

Thursday, 10pm

Thought for the Day - Never, ever give in when someone phones to sell you something

Pug Status - Trying to break the world record for the loudest snore

There's something about the prospect of a free gift that just appeals to me. I just love the idea of getting something for nothing and especially so if it is something I already have hundreds of, or something that I have absolutely no use for....

I am scared that it will turn into an irrational fixation and I will end up collecting something strange, like salt and pepper pots in the shape of animals, or crocheted toilet roll holders. But not garden gnomes. People don't collect them you know; they buy two and the little beggars just breed like rabbits until you have a garden full. There must be something about men with beards who fish. No wonder they always have smiles on their faces....

So anyway, on a mission to Tescos for some cat food and printer ink (these Heston Blumenthal recipes just get weirder, don't they) I was stopped by a young lady who wanted to know if I could complete a small survey for her. I was prepared to feign deafness and stride past until she added "You get a free mug if you do" - how could I resist? Yes, despite the fact that we have a cupboard full of more cups than you could shake a soggy tea bag at, I was salivating at the mere prospect of selling my personal details for a mass-produced piece of pottery. The prospect of winning a special prize draw for completing the survey almost had me swooning, even though it was for an iPod Shuffle. Which I already have already got....

I suppose there's no such thing as a free lunch - unless you happen to be a spoilt Princess of a Pug. But then, if your lunch happens to be boiled pig heart then I'm not really that jealous to be honest.....

Just a Fun-Size Mars bar, I'm driving....

Wednesday, 9.30pm

Thought for the Day - Every multi-pack of yoghurt will contain one flavour that nobody likes

Pug Status - Going bananas at that "Can't Stop Moving" song Uncle Radio Steve played this morning- please don't play it again!!!!

A busy day out and about, so managed to catch quite a lot of Dawn's show (and very good it was too!). There was an interesting discussion about how to navigate with the stars, which I assumed was going to be the BBC's new reality celebrity game show. Just imagine; that actress who used to be in Emmerdale, that bloke you've never heard of from Hollyoaks, someone who came fourth in Big Brother, and Phil Tufnell - all dressed in Gore-Tex and walking boots, armed with map and compass, paired off with professional ramblers trying desperately to return to civilisation from the middle of Dartmoor. Bruce Forsyth would make the perfect host as well - he appears to be disorientated most of the time anyway....

Puppy Bob got micro-chipped this evening, although this doesn't mean that he got mugged by a potato-based convenience food. An injection of a small barcoded chip under his skin will carry his name and contact details so he can be identified should he be lost or stolen. Or, alternatively, he could cause havoc at the tills at Tescos, confused with a family pack of Kettle Chips by the scanners. Injecting the chip can be a little uncomfortable for a pup so I promised Bob some doggy chocolate if he didn't cry. I swear he was gritting his teeth just to make sure he got his treat....

Dogs have to have special chocolate because too much of the human stuff can damage their livers. It's a bit like us having a few too many drinks down the pub on a Friday night. Except that you're unlikely to see two male Alsatians declaring their undying love and respect for each other after they've had a heavy session on the Fruit and Nut, or getting lairy in a kebab shop queue with a gang of chocced-up Cairn Terriers....

Less Boomtown, more Rat.....

Tuesday, 10pm

Thought for the Day - The only day I leave my mobile phone in the car is the only day in which I receice more than one phone call

Pug Status - Trying to catch flies, and whuffing in annoyance when she misses

Just watched the end of a TV programme called 'Lost Land of the Volcano', which rather suggests to me that the volcano concerned is a little bit absent-minded and has a similar problem with land as I have with car keys. Anyway, it was about a group of scientists discovering new species of animals in Papua New Guinea, and it ended with some footage of the biggest rat I have ever seen (politicians and traffic wardens excluded).

Now, this rat was a fair size. I understand that you are never more than six feet away from a rat when travelling on the London Underground but for one of these big boys to live down there it would actually have to be driving the train. I swear it actually straddled the International Date Line at one point. There's no way you could keep one as a pet, unless you rented out a spare lion enclosure at London Zoo and equipped it with the London Eye as an exercise wheel. We could actually put a saddle on it and give Obi Pug Kenobi riding lessons....

Our Princess Pug has spent a happy afternoon trying to catch daddy-long-legs, who have just started to make an appearance in the garden and will soon be making a brief attempt to take over the world once more. I read somewhere that these insects carry one of the most deadly poisons known to man, yet lack a mouth part with which to administer it. With Mother Nature giving these poor creatures that amount of luck from birth it's no wonder you never see any of them buying a lottery ticket....

I guess I'll never know the reason why you love me as you do....

Monday, 8pm

Thought for the Day - You can only ever set a toaster to toast your bread either too pale or too burnt

Pug Status - Slightly narked by puppy Bob's habit of chewing her ears when she's trying to sleep

Got all the paperwork through for my new job yesterday so we're almost up and running, something which perhaps Ms Easby will not be for a while.... Well done Dawn for doing so well in the Berlin Marathon at the weekend! Although, shouldn't it be called the Berlin Snickers these days? Her ability to run 26 miles in four and half hours now makes her officially faster than the 07.48 Monday morning train from Welwyn Garden City to Moorgate and, hopefully, less liable to suffer a breakdown....

Some friends of ours have just got back from a holiday in Memphis and they rather sweetly bought me a little gift, of some Elvis and Graceland branded chocolate! So, to James and Anna, I would just like to say - Thanguvrrymush....

I thought it might have been fried peanut butter and banana sandwich flavoured in honour of The King's idiosyncratic dietary regime (just milk & plain unfortunately) but it made me think whether they sold any other Elvis themed confectionery - Jailhouse Rock perhaps, or a pack of Blue Suede Chews. The chocolate itself has a serving suggestion on the wrapper; 'ideal melted and served between layers of Victoria Sponge, topped with cream and black cherries'. So, best eaten (ahem) 'In the Gateaux'.....

Obi Pug Kenobi, like me, is a guilty Presley fan; she readily admits to being partial to a bit of 'Teddy Bear' (especially the ones with a squeak in the middle) but, as a pedigree pug, refuses to have anything to do with 'Hound Dog'....

That's a nail, not a panel pin....

Sunday, 8.30pm

Thought for the Day - Every screwdriver set contains at least three you will never use, one you will use once and one that you will use all the time before breaking or losing it

Pug Status - Barking at the bad singers on the telly

A very busy weekend - I am so cream crackered you could butter my head, coat it in cheddar and call me Jacob. I am now winding down with a lump of homemade blackberry crumble and the Sunday edition of The X Factor, which I must confess I am not that keen on. The sniggering audience, the nervous butterfly feeling, the ritual humiliation - it's just like my last medical....

I thought I was going to spend a couple of hours this morning helping my Dad put up his new shed- it actually took about six. It turned out to be the most complicated piece of construction work since Anne Robinson's last face-lift. There were three different sizes of screws, which we carefully sorted before we started and then I immediately mixed up again when I stood on the corner of the box. With just the roof left to put on, we found that some pieces were missing - this meant a trek to the DIY store to stand in the biggest queue since the break-up of the Soviet Union, alongside several hundred punters with heavily discounted end-of-season gas barbecues. One of the items missing was some of the waterproof roofing covering, and I didn't endear myself to the young female manager on duty when I strode confidently up to the desk and asked her "Where can I get felt in here?"....

Obi Pug Kenobi's lack of opposable thumbs meant she was unable to hold any tools or shed pieces for Daddy and Grandad, although she did a marvellous job of guarding the tea and, especially, the biscuits. Grandad likes to feed our Princess bits of chocolate fingers when he thinks Daddy isn't looking; it comes to something when your parents keep a special biscuit box just for the dog....

Pass that box of Mansize will you....

Thursday, 8pm

Thought for the Day - Never drink Diet Pepsi just after cleaning your teeth - it really hurts....

Pug Status - Hoping Mummy's tea-soaked digestive hits the floor instead of its intended target

Forgive me if I sound a bit like Nigel Slater (see yesterday's diary entry for an explanation) but there's nothing quite like the immediate aftermath of a good sneeze, especially if it was a real shelf-rattler. It's the anticipation before the event that I am not too keen on....

First of all there's the initial nose twitch, the 'slightly inquisitive rabbit' expression, where you try and shake the sneeze off at its early stage. If that doesn't work you go to the second level; the rolling of the nostrils, slight tilting of the head and the passable resemblance to Kenneth Williams in 'Carry on Camping'. Fail at this juncture and your sneeze is strapping on its ski boots and adjusting its goggles in preparation for the downhill run....

It's at this point where the sneeze feels like it's doubling in size every half-second; your eyes start to widen to, well, almost pug-size (sorry Princess!) and your only defence is to flap your hands around frantically like Al Jolson after three cans of Red Bull. You have a hankie in your pocket but your brain is wired in such a way that you will only begin to madly scrabble for it as you are right on the point of explosion - there's nothing for it but to shut your eyes, cover your face, and give it all you have....

Of course, you could just hold your nose at the initial 'twitch' stage - but where's the fun in that....?

Pug sneezes are a bit like novelty Christmas records; disturbingly loud, occur with rapid frequency over a short space of time and always leave you with a mild feeling of disgust. And Obi Pug Kenobi always seems to do hers at a set time during the day - which is whenever I happen to be cuddling her....

Pass a towel, anyone....

Be Still, My Beating Heart....

Wednesday, 8pm

Thought for the Day - If it's always in the last place you look, why can't you look there first?

Pug Status - Settling down for a pre-sleep and post-nap snooze....

It's fair to say that we love our pugs. Obi and puppy Bob are just like children to us. They cost us money, they cause us untold worry when they are out of our sight and you are occasionally amazed that something that small could produce such a horrible smell....

And, like children, they also don't tidy up after themselves. Not really too much of a problem you would think - BUT - I defy you to find anything more bowel-loosening than coming downstairs at 2am whilst still 75% asleep to water a small puppy and, in the pitch dark and deathly quiet of the living room, stepping hard onto a squeaky dog toy. If any of my neighbours found themselves being kept awake by a loud persistent noise last night I apologise now - it was my heart hammering against my ribs, mere seconds after I had peeled myself from the ceiling....

There's been a lot of talk in the press recently about NHS cuts due to money shortages but I think they could save a bundle by selling all those expensive defibrillator machines they use for shocking hearts back into rhythm and just buying a few plastic squeaky pork chops from the local pet shop. And, think of how many lives would be saved, and how many conflicts would be peacefully ended, if warring factions dug up minefields and just scattered noisy rubber bones and squeaking plush penguins in their enemies' path - well, it would be enough to make me surrender.....

There was some interesting items on the TV this evening but if Nigel Slater thinks that there's nothing more pleasurable than standing in his kitchen stirring a risotto then I suggest he should get out more - or, if this is euphemism for something, then perhaps he should find himself a hobby. There was also a discussion on another programme about when, and if, Armageddon would happen but I think some people were unduly worried - well, it's not the end of the world, is it?

Tuesday, 8pm

Thought for the Day - There will never be enough milk on the days you want cereal for breakfast

Pug Status - Tired after a long and interesting walkies

My least favourite household job today, cleaning the big oven on our range cooker. I was told to use a brilliant product called Oven Pride, which sounds to me like a huge carnival where cookers celebrate their love for fellow cookers....

I had Hertbeat on as usual, although I would say that listening to the Midday Cafe with my head in the oven was by no means a comment on Dawn's presenting style. I had one of those "chuckling to yourself" moments when the Herts Safety Camera Partnership ad came on - "It's thirty for a reason" the advert said, to which I replied "Let the reason be love". These moments are only cringe-free if you happen to be alone; a close relative of mine had a delivery job that involved visiting a security depot. The entrance was unmanned but there was a phone with a sign saying "Lift for Attention", and she always used to lift the entire phone and have a chuckle to herself before using the handset. This went on for a number of weeks until she spotted the camera above the phone and found out she was the morning entertainment for the office staff watching the monitor upstairs....

Obi Pug Kenobi's usual walk went a different route this afternoon. Some nearby trees have had all their branches chopped off, the arboreal equivalent of a skinhead presumably, and some people have taken to tying material round the trunks. I am not sure whether this is people protesting about the cull or perhaps another issue but they seem to have used a variety of different materials - apropos of nothing, as a protest song "Tie a Leopardskin Dressing Gown Cord Around The Old Oak Tree" doesn't really have the same impact....

"More Cheese Lad....?"

Monday, 8pm

Thought for the Day - Dogs will only want to go out into the garden when the back door is closed, and you've just sat down

Pug Status - Only wanting to go into the garden when Daddy has just shut the door

Another busy day. Relaxing in the front room with a small glass of Creme de Cassis, a blackcurrant liqueur, which tastes a bit like being mugged by a carton of Ribena....

In preparation for the new job, and daily commute to Oxford, we decided to get a reliable second-hand car so this afternoon I parted with a few pennies and got a little Fiesta. With its 15 inch alloys, tinted rear window and sporty bucket seats I have turned into the oldest boy racer in town, although I think having The Best of Perry Como blaring out of the sub-woofer on the way home was a bit of a giveaway....

I then made the mistake that I always do when I drive a different car. I pulled into the petrol station and couldn't remember which side of the car the petrol cap was. Rather than take the sensible route of checking the wing mirrors I went for the casual "I always drive this car" approach and pulled in at the nearest available pump which, of course, was the opposite side from where the cap is. After a few minutes of discomfort hauling the hose across the roof so the nozzle would reach I then did what I always do when I only have the exact money - went a penny over.....

Puppy Bob is going through a growth spurt - he seems to be entirely composed of ears and knee joints and this had led him to adapt a walking style almost identical to that of Gromit. I believe this is the equivalent of an 'awkward teenage stage' although he doesn't wander about with an iPod permanently inserted and moaning that he didn't ask to be whelped....

Just finished feeding our little horrors, not that it takes many minutes - pugs don't so much as ingest food, more inhale it. I like to think that they are just racing to admire their nice new feeding bowls - how naive I must be....

All About Bob....

Sunday, 9pm

Thought for the Day - Never try and set the time on a digital clock radio - it's far easier to wait until midnight and switch it off and back on again

Pug Status - Halfway through chewing a pig's ear

As a dog owner, I'm a very big fan of laminate flooring. Not only is it robust and waterproof (unlike carpet), you also have the ability to slide from one side of the room to the other at lightning speed, provided you have the right kind of socks on and are not carrying anything breakable or squashy.

There is a downside, though, if you happen to be house-training a young puppy, like Bob. Unless you catch said puppy red-pawed in the act, it is nigh on impossible to spot a puppy wee on a light-coloured laminate flooring. Giant chameleons in the rainforests of the Amazon have yet to perfect a camouflage as perfect.

There are only two courses of action that allow you to sniff out a rogue puddle, and neither is without its disadvantage.

The first is to go upstairs, put on a clean pair of socks (preferably white or light-coloured) and walk through the front room. Within three steps the predatory pool will have sucked into its cotton prey, leaving you to exit the room hastily, hopping and shaking the unfortunate foot like you're doing the conga with the Invisible Man.

The only other effective method is this. Upon entering the room you immediately drop flat with your head on the side, eyeballing the surface at floor height. You may look like an Apache Indian listening for buffalo on the Great Plains, you may also be unfortunate to end up with a wet ear if you went to ground in exactly the wrong (or, perhaps, right) place, but you will spot any stray Bob wee with unerring accuracy. And you will, with impeccable grace and feeling of dread, stand straight in it when you go to get something to mop it up with....

Who's had all the Coco Pops?

Thursday, 6pm

Thought for the Day - If you tell someone a cash machine isn't working, why do they always put their card in it anyway?

Pug Status - Playing Pirates on the living room furniture

I have something that needs to be said.

There's one advert on the TV that not only gets my goat it also feeds it, brushes its coat and sticks a pink ribbon on its horns. It's the one for Special K with the chocolate and fruit in it where the slim young girl (who looks as if a good steak meal wouldn't go amiss), has the late night munchies and goes on a hunt round the kitchen for a snack, and there's loads of post-it notes on the cupboards and biscuit barrel to direct her to the cereal.

Now there's a few fundamental problems with this. First of all, she is either supremely dopey, on in the first throes of Alzheimer's, if she can't remember where she puts her own shopping away. Or, given the luxurious nature of the flat, she has a maid who does everything for her and puts together a little game of 'hunt the cereal' for her much in the same way that you would exercise a lazy hamster with a wheel. Or perhaps she is actually a burglar, feeling peckish after lugging a 50" flat screen down eighteen flights of stairs, who has been lucky enough to raid a flat where the owner is so desperate to get rid of this box of chaff that she has actually left directions.....

But the biggest problem I have is that she is raiding the cupboards for a recommended daily serving of 30 grammes, as advocated by the company as part of a calorie controlled diet. Now, I don't know if you have ever weighed out that amount of cereal but, believe me, you would have to eat your breakfast with the aid of a telescope. And we are supposed to believe that she would rather forgo half a pack of chocolate hobnobs or a Double Decker for a portion of compressed grain that would barely sustain a small dormouse???? I can only assume they have edited out the last ten seconds, where we see her hurl the bowl into the night sky in anger and start desperately chewing the balcony....

And, as she settles down for the four microseconds it will take to ingest such a mere morsel of sustenance, I wager she hasn't got a greedy pug eyeballing her from a distance of six inches, begrudging her every mouthful....

At Last!!!!

Wednesday, 7pm

Thought for the Day - Isn't it unfortunate that the word lisp has an 's' in it?

Pug Status - Wishing there was more left-over spaghetti bolognese

Put up the bunting, let the relatives know by a change of Facebook status, and run to the off-licence for a cheap bottle of Cava - after ten long months of trying someone has finally been brave (foolish?) enough to offer me a job!!! I think polishing up the old CV helped considerably - a nice clean car makes a great first impression at interviews....

It is an exciting new position, utilising all of my finely-honed librarian and information skills, with a company based in Oxford. A fair way to drive each day but at least I will have the pleasure of listening to Hertbeat Breakfast every morning in the car (until just past Hemel Hempstead anyway). I was more concerned about my personal welfare in the city itself to be honest - it used to have a terrible crime rate. There was one murder a week in Oxford in the late 1980s and 1990s, and always at about 9pm on a weekend. Luckily, they all seemed to be cleared up in about a couple of hours, by that Inspector Morse fellow....

Working again will mean no more afternoon walks for Obi Pug Kenobi - I will have to be out of the house nice and early and she is already crotchety that her routine will be disrupted. Some people consider their dogs to be like their children - I think our Princess Pug will just like Kevin the Teenager when I try to get her out of bed before 7am for a brisk trot around the block....

No Bob, THIS way.......

Tuesday, 8pm

Thought for the Day - The hottest day of the year will always be the first day after the pool is taken down for the summer

Pug Status - Contentedly chewing a post-dinner gravy bone

Another torturously hot day today, so much so that I nearly left the car on the drive and rode the camel to the shops. Tried to seek solace by tucking a tea towel under a baseball cap but not for long; it was nice and cool but I did look a bit daft with a picture of the Tetley tea men draped across my shoulders....

Decided to have a nice bath, but had that irritating problem where the water is too hot but you don't actually realise until you've stood in it for about five seconds. The only two courses of action I've found are: 1) to either grip the edge of the sink and weep quietly before slowly edging towards the cold tap, any sudden movements compounding the agony as the water laps up my legs, or 2) scramble out of the bath as fast as possible and imitate Michael Flatley on the bathroom mat, whilst doing a passable impression of Jimmy Somerville on a Communards track of my choice....

Freshly scrubbed, dried and with a pair of legs now redder than an embarrassed flamingo, we set out for Obi Pug Kenobi's afternoon walk. This acquired extra interest today as we experimented with a double chain attached to a single lead for her and puppy Bob. Normally I get so tangled up with two leads that I look like a walking maypole but the double chain still caused its own problems. Neither dog stopped at the same time, and both wanted to go in different directions. Imagine Siamese twins trying to storm off after having an argument with each other. It was like trying to walk the Chuckle Brothers....

Ooh, just a pinch....

Monday, 8pm

Thought for the Day - how does Super Glue stop sticking inside the tube?

Pug Status - Finding out just how far the new extendable lead reaches

I'm not a brilliant cook, especially if the tin opener has gone missing, but I felt like exercising my culinary skills today - although, figuratively speaking, this was more like a trot around the block than a ten-mile yomp. I raided the brambles at the back of the garden for blackberries again, although it was not without embarrassment - I reached the top of the step-ladder to grab the highest fruits only to meet the steely glare of a teacher supervising a football lesson in the adjoining field....

I wouldn't say I'm an expert but I get by in the kitchen. My personal style is heavily influenced by Gordon Ramsey although that is nothing to go with cooking and more to do with my immediate reaction after hitting my thumb with a hammer. I wanted to make a nice dessert but despite consulting Delia, and with the better half out at work, I still needed some guidance. My neighbour was in the Army Catering Corp, but his best idea of making a blackberry crumble involved several hours of interrogation. Still, I got there in the end and I even pushed the boat out by making REAL custard - you know, the powder you make with milk, rather than hat instant hot water muck.....

Obi Pug Kenobi is always around to lend a paw in the kitchen when there's food about, especially if there's something in it for her. As a special treat today I decided to poach her some chicken - my wife distracted the game-keeper as I nipped back through he hedge. She also helped with the dishwasher, climbing in when the door is lowered to lick the dinner residue from the plates. Tonight, however, she failed to notice the upturned jug on the top basket and emerged with two streaks of gravy on the top of her head like a savoury badger.....

Packin' a Magnum Ma'am....

Sunday, 8pm

Thought for the Day - Nothing sticks to the teeth harder than the last Fruit Pastille in the pack

Pug Status - Looking for a secret hiding place for her juicy bone

Another fairly action-packed weekend. Spent most of Saturday morning doing odd jobs, but that was probably due to the curry I had on Friday night. Most of the afternoon was taken up with shopping, watching TV and bringing my shoes back in from the garden because Bob the puppy can't get enough of them, which must mean that the last of a pup's senses to fully develop must be smell....

We had my wife's parents for Sunday dinner - I actually wanted beef but I got out-voted. Washing the dishes has enabled me to spend an entertaining half-hour watching Obi Pug Kenobi in the garden with the bone from our Sunday roast. Perhaps David Attenborough can explain why our pug tries to hide bones in the garden by placing them in full view and then pretending to drag earth other them with her muzzle. It's like trying to hide a rhino in the bathroom by sticking the shower attachment on its nose. People tell me that dogs are intelligent animals but I concur. Any animal that is constantly surprised by its own flatulence can't be that bright....

Treated myself to a spot of post-dinner naughtiness, in the shape of one of those ice-cream lolly things. Obi loves it on the rare occasions when I have one of these, watching with all the alertness of a slip fielder as the chocolate shards fly off in all directions. Made the mistake of biting straight through the chocolate coating into the freezing interior, which has induced an agonizing pain that I believe to be akin to childbirth. It's worse than being forced to watch a Jim Carrey film....

"You can't take that away from me...."

Thursday, 9pm

Thought for the Day - How does the petrol pump goes a penny over ten pounds when I've put the nozzle back?

Pug Status - Hogging the sofa

I don't think Obi Pug Kenobi was too enamoured about being snapped next to an ugly mug for the new Hertbeat photo gallery this morning (but perhaps I'm being a bit hard on myself there). Our Princess is not a morning pug, bless her, although she does perk up when Mummy shares her toast with her. Not too much Marmite in the corners though, otherwise she pulls a face like a bulldog licking bleach off a nettle....

A drive to Oxford for a job interview today; not too arduous although travelling out of the area meant an afternoon without Hertbeat on the radio. After a short while enduring stations of inferior quality I was soon searching for a CD, any CD....

I managed to find a double album called "School Disco" in the glove compartment - an album which, had it been recorded at my school, would have consisted of an hour of Spotty McDonald pleading with Lisa Saddleforth to go out with her followed by a parting salvo of some quiet vomiting into a hedge. Thankfully it actually contained a medley of top 70s, 80s and 90s tunes, ensuring that the roadside wildlife of Oxfordshire was regaled by yours truly singing "Never Gonna Give You Up" and "I Am The One and Only" at the top of my voice....

I put the second CD on for the journey home where, despite a mildly embarrassing moment where I realised I remembered a sizeable chunk of the lyrics to "Mickey" by Toni Basil, I was thoroughly enjoying myself. Until I stopped at some traffic lights in the middle of Aylesbury, right opposite a bus stop full of school kids. Having cranked down the windows and cranked up the volume for "Don't Stop Me Now" by Queen I was forced to take evasive action as the theme tune from "Jim'll Fix It" blared out at full volume. A quick switch to the next track didn't really help my cause, as I continued my journey informing the Aylesbury public just how much girls want to have fun....

Chicken-go-Round....

Wednesday, 7.30pm

Thought for the Day - There's never anything good on TV, except on the night when your two favourite programmes clash

Pug Status - A little cross-patch all day, telling off those naughty Council workers outside the front window

A new electrical gadget has made its way into the kitchen, and bets are already on as to how infrequently it will be used and how soon it will be gathering dust at the back of the kitchen cupboard. My wife was lucky enough to be given a counter-top rotisserie oven in pristine condition, just big enough to fit a plump whole chicken (or perhaps an emaciated wart-hog)....

Just like the smoothie maker and sandwich toaster before it, there was an initial burst of excitement as we all crowded round to see how it worked - peering through the glass front like a gang of poor urchins outside a toy-shop, we stared in wonder as our garlic-infused chicken slowly revolved on the turntable. It took exactly 17 seconds for boredom to set in. At that point our youngest came in to ask what we were having for dinner. "Rotisserie chicken" I said, "but - only if there is enough to go round!!!" (Humour is wasted on the young....)

So, after a sumptuous meal of disorientated bird, it was time to sit down and relax with a fresh newspaper, a spot of TV and a lap full of pug. Lots of coverage in this week's Welwyn Times about the 70th anniversary of the outbreak of World War Two. My Grandad always kept his regulation gas-mask and it certainly has come in useful over the years. They should be standard issue for pug owners. Never ever feed them ox liver. If you thought 'Purple Haze' was just a Jimi Hendrix record then you can think again....

Must go now - have to put the rubbish out. And, yes, it IS the right day today....

But he normally go out on Tuesday don't they.....?

Tuesday, 10.30pm

Thought for the Day - Items placed towards the top of a chest freezer will always disappear to the bottom the moment you need them

Pug Status - Finally not moulting - hurrah!

The aftermath of a Bank Holiday does strange things to the human psyche, none more so than "The Dance of the Bins". Grown men up and down the country literally got to pieces trying to remember what night they need to put the rubbish out - with the aftermath of Easter weekend turning the entire country into some sort of recycling box hokey-cokey....

You can spot people in cul-de-sacs peering out behind living-room net curtains, trying to see if that is a black sack by No.4's Mondeo. It only takes one person to crack, and within ten minutes the verges are awash with black sacks. Which are all still there the next morning because Roger next-door thought it was Wednesday....

It always seems strange that the only times I get this wrong are either when we have twice as many bags as normal, or I have a normal amount but they are twice as heavy. And I always look up and down the street after dropping the last bag and think "Hah! I'm the ONLY one who remembered!"....

I read a news feature today condoning the number of CCTV cameras nationwide. To be honest, it's doesn't personally concern me. Anyone who owns pugs will come under muh greater personal scrutiny and intimidation at any time - especially when you happen to be holding a sandwich.....