Lazing on a Monday afternoon...

Monday, 9.30pm

Thought for the Day - Sausages cooked on a barbeque will go from frozen solid to charcoal in the time it takes you to get a beer from the fridge

Pug Status - Chewing next door's frisbee that came over the garden fence

Ah, Bank Holiday weekends. The sound of lawnmowers, the smell of barbeques, the sound of screams as grown men herniate discs carrying supermarket special packs of lager to the car. And everyone always tells you "the next Bank Holiday's not until Christmas, you know!"

A quick trip to the Galleria this afternoon turned into a full-scale operation because, as usual, I didn't have enough change for the car park. We can put a man on the moon, send information at the speed of light around the globe, but we have yet to invent a car park ticket machine that is able to give change on a Bank Holiday. So, after finding a space in the Galleria car park seemingly on the outskirts of Hertford I then had to bob in and out of queuing traffic, with all the grace of an orang utan with a bad case of piles, to buy something from a newsagent just so I could get another pound for the machine....

Sunday morning saw me driving to Norfolk to pick up a sheep. This wasn't some sort of test of strength or bizarre cab fare but a chance to re-stock our freezer with some organic produce, lovingly reared by friends of ours. They has a smallholding but it's not what you've got but what you do with it, I always say. Luckily the meat came all ready cut into joints and chops - otherwise it would have had to have driven home with a whole frozen lamb sat on the passenger seat next to me. And goodness knows how I would have explained that one away to the police if I had been stopped....

Obi Pig Kenobi was very pleased to see me when I came home, lugging a huge sack of frozen lamb across my back. I must have looked like a doggy version of Father Christmas....

Wednesday, 8pm

Thought for the Day - The one thing that you forget to take out of the car will be the first thing you need when you step through the front door

Pug Status - Eyeing up the left-over bits of garlic bread

Someone said it was very Autumnal today - I thought that was the name of the faun in 'The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe'. And, given the state of my clothes cupboard, I think mine also gives me a gateway to another world- the 1970s, judging by the look of some of these trousers....

Back to the weather and poor Princess Pug bore her daily walk with true English stoicism, although the way her ears drooped until her face was virtually oblong gave away her inner feelings. And as for the grumbling noise she was making, well, if dogs could swear I daresay she could have written her own dictionary - and judging by the shocked expression of the Pekingese we passed on the way back, I think she probably did anyway....

Wednesday night, in our household, is Spaghetti Bolognese night and tonight was no exception. So, just before sitting down to eat, I went upstairs to change into my oldest, grubbiest t-shirt. The purpose of this being, of course, that should you eat spag bol wearing anything that you would quite like to wear again, you will manage to get more sauce down your front than down your gullet. I have a Ben Sherman shirt upstairs that I could only wear now if I wanted to go to a fancy dress party as a ratatouille....

The same principle applies to shaving. Never ever try to do this on the morning of a special occasion. I made the mistake of doing this once. Needless to say, I was the only graduate in my year to have a commemorative photo that looks as if I tried to limbo-dance under barbed wire....

I blame Las Ketchup....

Tuesday, 8pm

Thought for the Day - Never tell anyone to watch where they're treading - they will always instantly stand on what you wanted them to avoid

Pug Status - Snoring peacefully through Holby City

Bring in the washing, shut all the windows and cancel the application for the evening class in Advanced Precipitation Manipulation - the rain finally came. At exactly the same time that I remembered I had left my trainers in the garden....

Obi Pug Kenobi detests the rain, leaving it to the very last minute to answer any call of nature and doing so with one leg off the ground to minimise paw contact on wet grass. So I spent the rest of the afternoon cleaning up after muddy paws and also trying to find an online supplier of pug-sized galoshes....

Just finished clearing up after dinner, not my favourite task in the world. No time-saving appliance saves less time than a dishwasher, especially if it's the one that I am using. More temperamental than a Hollywood star at a badly-attended premiere, it refuses to work if I put the dinner plates in there. Or if any dish or saucepan is incorrectly aligned by less than a millimetre. And, regardless of how carefully I load it, I always, always have one dish or pan that won't fit in....

So I have to wash up anyway. Which kind of defeats the point of having a dishwasher. And because the pans are quite dirty I make sure I run plenty of hot water. Which I forget is really hot about half a second after I put my hands in the bowl. (Only girls wear rubber gloves to wash up. And possibly also Customs officers). So there's a slight delay between me thinking "Oops, I shouldn't have done that really" and me screaming like a Samurai warrior who has just been smacked in the family jewels by the corner of a Steinway piano....

Mad Dogs and Englishmen....

Monday, 9.30pm

Thought for the Day - The freezer will always contain everything but what you fancy for dinner

Pug Status - Trying to pretend she's too old for play-fighting with naughty puppies....

I believe it was Joni Mitchell who told us all 'You don't know what you've got till it's gone'. Whilst the paving of Paradise to put up a parking lot was no doubt praised by those who no longer had to walk so far to the shops, I find myself agreeing in principle with Ms. Mitchell. After moaning about all the wet weather of a few weeks ago I am actually looking forward to a bit of rain and am currently looking through the Oaklands College prospectus in the hope of finding an evening course in Indian Rain Dance....

I acquired myself a fantastic sauna this morning, and it didn't cost me a penny. It's called my car. When I got in this morning it was that humid and fiery I had to check the back just to make sure I hadn't left an asthmatic dragon in there. All it needed was four middle-aged portly Swedish businessmen dressed only in towels idly discussing the merits of the latest Volvo....

Obi Pug Kenobi is escaping from the hot weather by conserving energy, with plenty of rest and lots of naps. Which seems to be her strategy for the cold weather of winter. And those tricky in-between Spring and Autumn days. We had a phone call today about getting some extra cover on her insurance but as she can barely see over the windscreen I didn't think it worth adding her as an extra driver....

Interested to hear Steve's eulogising of a particular brand of kitchen towel on Hertbeat breakfast this morning. I tried cleaning up a particular nasty vegetable oil spillage with a handful of Bounty once; I was picking bits of coconut and chocolate out of the worktop corners for a month....

Cricket, lovely cricket....!!!!

Sunday, 8pm

Thought for the day - Never trust anyone who says "It's only a ten-minute job"

Pug Status - Cooling off, belly down, on laminate flooring

A sweltering but very rewarding day with Carl & Lauren on the StreetBeat team at Stevenage Town Centre Gardens this afternoon. Lots of friendly people, some of whom bought copies of Steve's book 'Dear Mr DJ'! They all wanted signed copies so thank goodness Steve's signature is so easy to forge! (That was just a joke by the way. They were genuine Mr Folland signatures. And that's what I'll say to the court should they find that cheque-book of his in my garage....)

So, England have won the Ashes back from Australia - hurrah! I love cricket - any game that has a scheduled interval for tea couldn't be any more olde English. You half expect the players to take to the field wearing monocles and cravats, strolling to the wicket after demolishing piles of scones, Battenburg cake and buttered toasted crumpets. Any sport that encourages spectators to sit down for five days drinking beer is all right by me....

Obi Pug Kenobi continues to seek solace from the burning sun, taking every opportunity to stand in front of the fridge when the door opens (although this may also be just for a sneaky look at what she has for dinner). She even followed me into the shed this evening, where the final transformation of me turning into my Dad was completed - I was putting a small stick of wood aside specifically to stir paint with....

Must go and put some after-sun on my head. Just had a glance in the mirror and I look just like a Swan Vesta matchstick....

Does his front leg go through this bit...?

Thursday, 9pm

Thought for the Day - Why does everyone else always want a bath when I do?

Pug Status - Ensuring that no dropped biscuit goes to waste....

Tried out pug puppy Bob's brand new harness today (on Bob, not me obviously) - in preparation for his first walkies. Pugs have necks shorter than an August heat-wave so you can't attach a lead to their collar, you see. Bob being rather on the small side of 'Small Puppy' size, he ended up being 75% harness and 25% slightly confused....

Obi Pug Kenobi had a little accident on her walk today - in trying to avoid a nasty wasp she jarred her foot in a small hole in the grass, leaving her with a little limp. Luckily it got better fairly soon - in fact, mere moments after Daddy had carried her all the way back home she seemed to be able to rush into the kitchen for her dinner....

Tea-related disaster in the Castle household this evening as the wife severely over-estimated the dunking power of Malted Milk biscuit and was left with a cuppa thick enough to cement bricks. Very much like my beloved Barnet Football Club, her biccie went to pieces very easily in the Cup....

Loads of fuss at the Athletics World Championships as to whether the winner of the Women's 800 metres Final is really a man. This can be easily solved with a simple urine test. If she leaves the seat up then she's definitely a bloke....

Can I open a window?

Wednesday, 9.30pm

Thought for the Day - Never put off bringing washing in today as it is bound to rain tomorrow

Pug Status - Snaffling contraband puppy biscuits when she thinks Daddy isn't looking

Phew, what a scorcher! Almost brave enough to go topless in the garden but didn't want to get reported for indecent exposure. You know when it's a hot day when the back of your knees get runny. Had to brave a short car journey at about lunch-time and thank God for fabric seat covers - memories of my youth are forever scarred by the pain of bare legs on white-hot plastic car seats....

The reason for the journey was to drop the eldest off at her part-time job in the town. Driving past the Howard Centre I was reminded of an old girlfriend I used to go out with who worked at Marks & Spencer - she used to work in the lingerie department. She was a nice girl - but she never let me try anything on....

Took Obi Pug Kenobi out for a little walk this afternoon - not for too long though as there would have been more panting than the front row of a Take That concert. By the time we got back both our tongues were on the floor, and I almost had to shove my head in the water bowl with her....