All About Bob....

Sunday, 9pm

Thought for the Day - Never try and set the time on a digital clock radio - it's far easier to wait until midnight and switch it off and back on again

Pug Status - Halfway through chewing a pig's ear

As a dog owner, I'm a very big fan of laminate flooring. Not only is it robust and waterproof (unlike carpet), you also have the ability to slide from one side of the room to the other at lightning speed, provided you have the right kind of socks on and are not carrying anything breakable or squashy.

There is a downside, though, if you happen to be house-training a young puppy, like Bob. Unless you catch said puppy red-pawed in the act, it is nigh on impossible to spot a puppy wee on a light-coloured laminate flooring. Giant chameleons in the rainforests of the Amazon have yet to perfect a camouflage as perfect.

There are only two courses of action that allow you to sniff out a rogue puddle, and neither is without its disadvantage.

The first is to go upstairs, put on a clean pair of socks (preferably white or light-coloured) and walk through the front room. Within three steps the predatory pool will have sucked into its cotton prey, leaving you to exit the room hastily, hopping and shaking the unfortunate foot like you're doing the conga with the Invisible Man.

The only other effective method is this. Upon entering the room you immediately drop flat with your head on the side, eyeballing the surface at floor height. You may look like an Apache Indian listening for buffalo on the Great Plains, you may also be unfortunate to end up with a wet ear if you went to ground in exactly the wrong (or, perhaps, right) place, but you will spot any stray Bob wee with unerring accuracy. And you will, with impeccable grace and feeling of dread, stand straight in it when you go to get something to mop it up with....

Who's had all the Coco Pops?

Thursday, 6pm

Thought for the Day - If you tell someone a cash machine isn't working, why do they always put their card in it anyway?

Pug Status - Playing Pirates on the living room furniture

I have something that needs to be said.

There's one advert on the TV that not only gets my goat it also feeds it, brushes its coat and sticks a pink ribbon on its horns. It's the one for Special K with the chocolate and fruit in it where the slim young girl (who looks as if a good steak meal wouldn't go amiss), has the late night munchies and goes on a hunt round the kitchen for a snack, and there's loads of post-it notes on the cupboards and biscuit barrel to direct her to the cereal.

Now there's a few fundamental problems with this. First of all, she is either supremely dopey, on in the first throes of Alzheimer's, if she can't remember where she puts her own shopping away. Or, given the luxurious nature of the flat, she has a maid who does everything for her and puts together a little game of 'hunt the cereal' for her much in the same way that you would exercise a lazy hamster with a wheel. Or perhaps she is actually a burglar, feeling peckish after lugging a 50" flat screen down eighteen flights of stairs, who has been lucky enough to raid a flat where the owner is so desperate to get rid of this box of chaff that she has actually left directions.....

But the biggest problem I have is that she is raiding the cupboards for a recommended daily serving of 30 grammes, as advocated by the company as part of a calorie controlled diet. Now, I don't know if you have ever weighed out that amount of cereal but, believe me, you would have to eat your breakfast with the aid of a telescope. And we are supposed to believe that she would rather forgo half a pack of chocolate hobnobs or a Double Decker for a portion of compressed grain that would barely sustain a small dormouse???? I can only assume they have edited out the last ten seconds, where we see her hurl the bowl into the night sky in anger and start desperately chewing the balcony....

And, as she settles down for the four microseconds it will take to ingest such a mere morsel of sustenance, I wager she hasn't got a greedy pug eyeballing her from a distance of six inches, begrudging her every mouthful....

At Last!!!!

Wednesday, 7pm

Thought for the Day - Isn't it unfortunate that the word lisp has an 's' in it?

Pug Status - Wishing there was more left-over spaghetti bolognese

Put up the bunting, let the relatives know by a change of Facebook status, and run to the off-licence for a cheap bottle of Cava - after ten long months of trying someone has finally been brave (foolish?) enough to offer me a job!!! I think polishing up the old CV helped considerably - a nice clean car makes a great first impression at interviews....

It is an exciting new position, utilising all of my finely-honed librarian and information skills, with a company based in Oxford. A fair way to drive each day but at least I will have the pleasure of listening to Hertbeat Breakfast every morning in the car (until just past Hemel Hempstead anyway). I was more concerned about my personal welfare in the city itself to be honest - it used to have a terrible crime rate. There was one murder a week in Oxford in the late 1980s and 1990s, and always at about 9pm on a weekend. Luckily, they all seemed to be cleared up in about a couple of hours, by that Inspector Morse fellow....

Working again will mean no more afternoon walks for Obi Pug Kenobi - I will have to be out of the house nice and early and she is already crotchety that her routine will be disrupted. Some people consider their dogs to be like their children - I think our Princess Pug will just like Kevin the Teenager when I try to get her out of bed before 7am for a brisk trot around the block....

No Bob, THIS way.......

Tuesday, 8pm

Thought for the Day - The hottest day of the year will always be the first day after the pool is taken down for the summer

Pug Status - Contentedly chewing a post-dinner gravy bone

Another torturously hot day today, so much so that I nearly left the car on the drive and rode the camel to the shops. Tried to seek solace by tucking a tea towel under a baseball cap but not for long; it was nice and cool but I did look a bit daft with a picture of the Tetley tea men draped across my shoulders....

Decided to have a nice bath, but had that irritating problem where the water is too hot but you don't actually realise until you've stood in it for about five seconds. The only two courses of action I've found are: 1) to either grip the edge of the sink and weep quietly before slowly edging towards the cold tap, any sudden movements compounding the agony as the water laps up my legs, or 2) scramble out of the bath as fast as possible and imitate Michael Flatley on the bathroom mat, whilst doing a passable impression of Jimmy Somerville on a Communards track of my choice....

Freshly scrubbed, dried and with a pair of legs now redder than an embarrassed flamingo, we set out for Obi Pug Kenobi's afternoon walk. This acquired extra interest today as we experimented with a double chain attached to a single lead for her and puppy Bob. Normally I get so tangled up with two leads that I look like a walking maypole but the double chain still caused its own problems. Neither dog stopped at the same time, and both wanted to go in different directions. Imagine Siamese twins trying to storm off after having an argument with each other. It was like trying to walk the Chuckle Brothers....

Ooh, just a pinch....

Monday, 8pm

Thought for the Day - how does Super Glue stop sticking inside the tube?

Pug Status - Finding out just how far the new extendable lead reaches

I'm not a brilliant cook, especially if the tin opener has gone missing, but I felt like exercising my culinary skills today - although, figuratively speaking, this was more like a trot around the block than a ten-mile yomp. I raided the brambles at the back of the garden for blackberries again, although it was not without embarrassment - I reached the top of the step-ladder to grab the highest fruits only to meet the steely glare of a teacher supervising a football lesson in the adjoining field....

I wouldn't say I'm an expert but I get by in the kitchen. My personal style is heavily influenced by Gordon Ramsey although that is nothing to go with cooking and more to do with my immediate reaction after hitting my thumb with a hammer. I wanted to make a nice dessert but despite consulting Delia, and with the better half out at work, I still needed some guidance. My neighbour was in the Army Catering Corp, but his best idea of making a blackberry crumble involved several hours of interrogation. Still, I got there in the end and I even pushed the boat out by making REAL custard - you know, the powder you make with milk, rather than hat instant hot water muck.....

Obi Pug Kenobi is always around to lend a paw in the kitchen when there's food about, especially if there's something in it for her. As a special treat today I decided to poach her some chicken - my wife distracted the game-keeper as I nipped back through he hedge. She also helped with the dishwasher, climbing in when the door is lowered to lick the dinner residue from the plates. Tonight, however, she failed to notice the upturned jug on the top basket and emerged with two streaks of gravy on the top of her head like a savoury badger.....

Packin' a Magnum Ma'am....

Sunday, 8pm

Thought for the Day - Nothing sticks to the teeth harder than the last Fruit Pastille in the pack

Pug Status - Looking for a secret hiding place for her juicy bone

Another fairly action-packed weekend. Spent most of Saturday morning doing odd jobs, but that was probably due to the curry I had on Friday night. Most of the afternoon was taken up with shopping, watching TV and bringing my shoes back in from the garden because Bob the puppy can't get enough of them, which must mean that the last of a pup's senses to fully develop must be smell....

We had my wife's parents for Sunday dinner - I actually wanted beef but I got out-voted. Washing the dishes has enabled me to spend an entertaining half-hour watching Obi Pug Kenobi in the garden with the bone from our Sunday roast. Perhaps David Attenborough can explain why our pug tries to hide bones in the garden by placing them in full view and then pretending to drag earth other them with her muzzle. It's like trying to hide a rhino in the bathroom by sticking the shower attachment on its nose. People tell me that dogs are intelligent animals but I concur. Any animal that is constantly surprised by its own flatulence can't be that bright....

Treated myself to a spot of post-dinner naughtiness, in the shape of one of those ice-cream lolly things. Obi loves it on the rare occasions when I have one of these, watching with all the alertness of a slip fielder as the chocolate shards fly off in all directions. Made the mistake of biting straight through the chocolate coating into the freezing interior, which has induced an agonizing pain that I believe to be akin to childbirth. It's worse than being forced to watch a Jim Carrey film....

"You can't take that away from me...."

Thursday, 9pm

Thought for the Day - How does the petrol pump goes a penny over ten pounds when I've put the nozzle back?

Pug Status - Hogging the sofa

I don't think Obi Pug Kenobi was too enamoured about being snapped next to an ugly mug for the new Hertbeat photo gallery this morning (but perhaps I'm being a bit hard on myself there). Our Princess is not a morning pug, bless her, although she does perk up when Mummy shares her toast with her. Not too much Marmite in the corners though, otherwise she pulls a face like a bulldog licking bleach off a nettle....

A drive to Oxford for a job interview today; not too arduous although travelling out of the area meant an afternoon without Hertbeat on the radio. After a short while enduring stations of inferior quality I was soon searching for a CD, any CD....

I managed to find a double album called "School Disco" in the glove compartment - an album which, had it been recorded at my school, would have consisted of an hour of Spotty McDonald pleading with Lisa Saddleforth to go out with her followed by a parting salvo of some quiet vomiting into a hedge. Thankfully it actually contained a medley of top 70s, 80s and 90s tunes, ensuring that the roadside wildlife of Oxfordshire was regaled by yours truly singing "Never Gonna Give You Up" and "I Am The One and Only" at the top of my voice....

I put the second CD on for the journey home where, despite a mildly embarrassing moment where I realised I remembered a sizeable chunk of the lyrics to "Mickey" by Toni Basil, I was thoroughly enjoying myself. Until I stopped at some traffic lights in the middle of Aylesbury, right opposite a bus stop full of school kids. Having cranked down the windows and cranked up the volume for "Don't Stop Me Now" by Queen I was forced to take evasive action as the theme tune from "Jim'll Fix It" blared out at full volume. A quick switch to the next track didn't really help my cause, as I continued my journey informing the Aylesbury public just how much girls want to have fun....